It seems that some movies are designed specifically to make girls cry, and I say girls, because it’s been my observation that it’s mostly women that go to movies like Fried Green Tomatoes or Terms Of Endearment, with the idea that they can have a "good cry". Well, as a guy, I’ve never really comprehended that need. You see, ladies, us guys don’t really enjoy crying, as men, we’re conditioned to keep out feelings inside, all bottled up where they belong, so crying is seen as a sign of weakness! Well, as a semi-modern guy, I have to admit that I’ve actually cried at the movies…NO, not the movies that you’re thinking of, I actually fell asleep through Terms Of Endearment, and when I was forced to sit through Steel Magnolias I (apparently) ruined the movie by asking (quite loudly) ‘When the hell is Julia Roberts gonna die and end this horror?!?!’ so I thought it might be a good thing, in the name of gender relations, to tell you about the movies that have actually forced tears from my eyes.
The first time, I can remember crying at the movies was during Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Khan. Now, before you start with the cat calls and yelling that I’m an panty waist, remember that I grew up with Star Trek, the reruns were on TV every single day and I never missed an episode…no matter how many time’s I’d seen it already. Well, after the awful Star Trek: The Motion Picture, I was sure that the second would be equally as putrid, but, there I sat, happily surprised with the best (and it still is) Star Trek movie ever! Then, during that terrible ending, when Mr. Spock sacrificed himself for the rest of the crew, I’m man enough to admit that I actually wept. There was a friend that I had grown up with, watched on TV, read in novels and comic books, making the ultimate heroes sacrifice for the good of others! I was honestly moved, so laugh away, but I did cry when Mr. Spock died. Of course, a couple of years later, I cried when they brought him back too, but that was really tears of pain, like when you take a blow to the groin, so that one doesn’t really count.
The next movie that nearly got me…and I stress nearly here, because, while the tears were in my eyes, I used all my man resolve to will them back in, but I’ll count it here because I think close counts. The movie was Nothing In Common with Tom Hanks and Jackie Gleason, this movie is the story of a man who’s on the fast track to success, when he suddenly is pulled back into the life of his estranged father, when his dad’s health suddenly takes a turn for the worse. The story is really about a son reconnecting with his father after writing him off, and, having had more than my fair share of issues with my father, I guess I identified with it a little. So, there I sat, in the dark, with tears in my eyes, when that little logical voice in the back of my head told me that my dad was nothing like Jackie Gleason (Jackie Gleason actually had a couple of redeeming qualities!), and that I had nothing to cry about, then it slapped me and told me to ‘man up’ and the tears went away. I’m counting it only because the incidents of man movie crying are so rare that I think it counts.
Lately, nothing has really moved me to tears in the theatre, well, not tears of emotion. I’ve been moved to tears more than a few times after realizing that I’d spent about twenty bucks for some horrible movie and I’ll lost about an hour and a half or more of my life that I’d never get back, but I don’t think I’m alone in that! The second easiest way to make a man cry is really to hit him in the wallet. The first way, you ask? Well, just check out any episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos, to see the first.