In all the years that I’ve been the Bad Movie Guy, and, let’s face it, I’ve probably been the Bad Movie Guy longer than I’ve been willing to admit to publicly. In all that time, I can honestly say that there have only been a handful of movies that I refused to see, and still refuse to see. I’ve been mocked for my beliefs, shunned for my personal opinions on these movies and, yes, dear reader, even looked down upon for my reasoning for not seeing these movies. But, here, for once and for all, I’m coming clean. I’m going to tell the world about the movies that I haven’t seen and why I will NEVER take the time to watch them. These reasons may seem petty and vague to you, but they’re written in stone for me! So, read on and I’ll tell you about movies that you’ll never catch me watching.
Let’s start with the movie that started this all for me, Footloose. Now, in the years since it’s been out, I’ve learned that this movie is about dancing and Kevin Bacon and something about Pleasing Louise, but that’s about all I know. You see, for about eight months before this movie came out all you heard was that damned song by Kenny Loggins or Let’s Hear It For The Boy or any number of what seemed like eighty two songs from the movie! So, by the time the movie hit the theatres, I was so tired of hearing these songs that I refused to see it. In fact, I was sure that if I heard about Louise pulling me offa my knees one more time, I would smack whoever was in the theatre next to me! It just seemed like a safer, saner decision to never see this movie, so that I wouldn’t present a danger to others or myself. And to this day, I haven’t seen Footloose and my family in under strict orders to have me put to sleep if they ever catch me watching it, you see, I don’t want to live like that.
Next on my list was Top Gun, first of all, even in the 80s, I knew something was wrong with Tom Cruise. I wasn’t sure what it was, but there was just something about him that I didn’t like. Now, in retrospect, it’s become obvious that my instincts were right, I don’t think Tom lost his mind, I think that that mental illness was always there and it’s just reared it head more prominently lately. So, when Top Gun came out, I really had no interest. Then, add to the mix Val Kilmer, who also seems a little unbalanced to me and you got two strikes. Then, play that God-awful Danger Zone song on the radio every other song and you’ve got your third strike and I’m outta the theatre! I’ve never flown into the danger zone, because both Tom and Val did and you see what happened to them. I love my wife as much or more than the next guy, but, let’s be honest here, who wants to be jumping up and down on a couch on TV screaming about it? You’re not in love, you’re frightening the children!
Next up is the most talked about movie of the 90s, Titanic. First of all, I’m not really a fan of Leonardo DiCaprio, no one named for a teenage mutant ninja turtle is ever gonna get my respect as an actor. Then, add to the mix the Kate Winslett isn’t nearly as attractive as everyone thinks she is, or as she thinks she is! And the final straw is that I’m pretty sure that the boat sinks at the end. If I know the ending of a movie before I’ve even read anything about it, don’t plan on getting my $10 to see it! I’m as happy as the next guy that Leo dies at the end, but that’s not worth the price of admission to me.
Now, this next movie that I’ll never EVER see will get me a ton of grief, I’m sure, but you’ll never open my DVD player and find Brokeback Mountain! Now, before you brand me as a homophobe, think again, I have friends and relatives that are gay and I have no problem with what anyone does in the bedroom, as long as it doesn’t hurt someone else and isn’t’ illegal, I don’t want to hear about it! But, when it comes to cowboy movies, I am totally old school! Give me John Wayne with an eye patch shooting at Robert Duvall, or Clint Eastwood as the Man With No Name and you’ve got yourself a great western. But you’d never, ever catch Clint and John snuggling together in a tent, bumping uglies!! People it’s a movie, it’s a fantasy, maybe in real life there were gay cowboys, I’m sure that there were, but when it comes to a great cowboy movie, let’s keep the myth alive! The American cowboy is the last of the real men, rough and tumble, grab the girl and kiss her and then gun down the bad guys, and for a guy, it just doesn’t get any better than that! Now, I can already hear you screaming out there, ‘it’s a great love story’, ‘don’t be so close minded’, but this is a MOVIE people. And if it doesn’t entertain me, then I ain’t watchin’ it. And there’s nothing about gay cowboys who ‘can’t quit’ each other that makes me think, ‘hey, I gotta see that movie.’ When it comes to cowboys, I’m gonna be hardcore about this, kills guys, drink hard and ride horses…and nothing else!!
And how about the more recent King Kong? Didn’t that already make this movie? TWICE?? I’m pretty sure that the monkey climbs the Empire State Building and then gets shot down and dies, do I really need to see Jack Black and Naomi Watts travel movie highways that I’ve already been down? And all just because Peter Jackson loves the CGI. Well, I’ll keep my money in my pocket and just know that I’ve seen it all before, thank you all the same, Mr. Jackson.
Are there other movies I won’t see? You bet, no chick flicks; I’m right off Steven Speilberg since the release of A.I.; I won’t see any remake that’s there only to update special effects, and never again will my butt darken the seat of a Tom Cruise movie, I’m still so afraid that he’ll show up at my house and jump on all the furniture like some insane, retarded three year old! And, I’m sure that there are others, these rules are like living breathing things, they change all the time, what I might see today, may end up on the ‘never again’ list any time. And let me just add this, if you ever catch me sitting in a darkened theatre watching Brokeback Mountain, or you even see me renting it, just know that I’ve obviously lost my mind and you’re free to put me out of my misery, after all, I’d be better off, I really wouldn’t want to live like that.