News Year’s Resolutions of the B-Movie Stars – By Brian Morton

It’s that magical time of year again! The ending of one year and the beginning of a new one, the time when we all think, ‘this is the year I’ll fix all the crap that’s wrong with me!’ We all make those promises to ourselves, we call them Resolutions. I think we call them Resolutions because that makes them easier to break than Promises. Well, after I sat down and compiled my own copious list of problems that I need to ‘resolute’ on, I thought about what other people might make resolutions about. Especially all of my favorite movie stars and characters, I mean, let’s face it, if anyone has stuff that needs to be fixed it’s some of these people!

So I went into my library…that really means the bookshelf in my bedroom, but library sounds much more impressive…and got down my copy of ‘The Big Book Of Hollywood Resolutions’. That’s a book of all the published resolutions of the stars. I know it’s a kind of obscure book, but if you can find a copy I highly recommend it. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to jot down a couple, just so that the rest of us could take a look and realize that no matter how much money or fame you have, we all feel the need to ‘resolute’ ourselves at this time of year.

Resolution of Bela Lugosi – Dec. 31, 1954 – I resolve to quit wearing this damn cape everywhere. I mean, really, isn’t the ‘Dracula fad’ over already? I also resolve to try this new thing I keep hearing about…morphine. The neighbor kids say it’s the next big thing and I do enjoy being out there on the cutting edge! Also, I’d like to lose about 3 pounds, it doesn’t sound like much, but the last three are the hardest, so I’ll start there.

Resolution of Ed Wood – Dec. 31, 1946 – I resolve to be a great director! That’s right, I know I’ve made the same resolution for the past ten years, but this year I mean it! I’ve begun writing scripts and stalking studio executives and this year I’ll either make my magnum opus or completely give up on this dream! I mean it; I wouldn’t want to end up making movies with some has-been like Bela Lugosi, if he’s even still alive! Also, if I could drop about ten pounds, that would be good, I could fit into all those skirts in the back of the closet again.

Resolution of Pinhead (from the Hellraiser movies) – Dec 31, 1981 – I resolve to finally get that makeover I’ve been promising myself. The ‘leather look’ is over and I’m tired of people thinking I’m some kind of gay ‘Village Person’ all the time. I also resolve to finally get that piercing I’ve wanted, I mean if Don Johnson can get one, surely it’s alright for me. Also, I’d like to lose about ten pounds, the other Cenobites are starting to call me Fat-head, so I think it’s time to lose that weight or tear their souls apart…hey, that’s a cool line, I have to remember that!

Resolution of Godzilla (Japanese Mega-Star) – Dec 31, 1995 – I resolve to finally get over my issues with Tokyo! I mean, it’s getting ridiculous, even for me, to just keep destroying it over and over, and for God’s sake, how fast can those damn little guys rebuild anyway? It just seems redundant to destroy it and then they rebuild and then I destroy it all over again. Even I’m getting bored with it. I also resolve to lose a little weight, getting tired of everyone talking about my ‘thunder thighs’!

Resolution of Freddy Krueger (of horror movie fame) – Dec. 31, 1976 – I resolve to find a better way to get those damn brats! I’m thinking of some kind of invention, maybe a boot with a spike on it, or a hat with a blade for a brim, something that will make the hunting and the killing easier! Also, I’m tired of resolving to lose weight, so I think I’ll just resolve to wear my striped sweatshirt all the time, it’s slimming, you know!

Resolution of Vincent Price – Dec. 31, 1965 – I resolve to be more manly, I’m soooo sick of people thinking I’m gay!!! I’m NOT gay! I’m just sophisticated! Damn, the people in this city really don’t understand the difference. So, I resolve to stop drinking wine, to start drinking beer and to work out more so that I get huge muscles. I’m also going to try to speak in a deeper more ‘masculine’ voice and maybe take up watching Nascar. I also resolve to lose some weight; not because I really need it, but I think that’s something I can actually get done!

Resolution of Tor Johnson (from Plan Nine From Outer Space fame) – Dec. 31, 1952 – Tor Resolve To Be Nicer To People. Tor Resolve To Not Hurt Small, Little People Accidentally. Tor Resolve To Work On Acting Skills, Get Better Parts, Want Do Shakespeare, Would Make Good Hamlet Or Lear!! Also Resolve To Lose Weight, Neck Too Thick People Laugh At Tor!!!!!

Resolution of Michael Myers – Dec. 31, 1974 – I resolve to be nicer to my sisters, I know they’re annoying but they ARE my sisters and I should be nicer to them. I also resolve to get a better Halloween costume next year, if I have to wear that damned clown costume one more year, I think I’ll lose my mind!!!!! Also, I want to lose a little weight, I know I’m only 10, but you can never start too soon, can you?

Resolution of Alan Ormsby – (Of Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things fame) – Dec. 31, 1962 – I resolve to make my zombie movie…finally. I can’t find anyone to play the ‘theatrically swishy’ lead; I hope I don’t have to play this myself. Also, I resolve to put my sister Anya into more of my movies, she plays a great crazy, hot chick and I think she should play that part constantly!!! Also to lose some weight, you can never be too thin or too talented, you know.

Resolution of Anya Ormsby – (Sister of Alan and also of Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things) – Dec. 31, 1962 – I resolve to get the hell away from my insane brother. He thinks he’s a filmmaker and all he wants to make is some horrible zombie movie he wrote. And he’s always trying to cast me as some crazy girl! Me! I’m a classically trained actress and I have too much range. For me to play this part is insulting and offensive! Also, I’d like to lose about five pounds.

And last, but certainly least, I’d like to include my own resolutions for the coming year: I resolve to watch as many bad movies as my mind will tolerate and then two more. I resolve to be nicer to people (I make this one every year, it’s also the first one I break every year). I resolve to try to keep my articles fresh and (hopefully) funny. And, I’d like to join the crowd here and resolve to lose a little weight, one because I could use it, and two because it’s tradition. So, until next year, keep your eyes open and help me out. Remember I’m allowed to see the movie, but the fifty-gallon barrel of soda and four bags of ten-dollar candy are a no-no, you can feel free to remind me!!!!!