Office Killer (1997) – By Brian Morton

You know that crazy lady in your office? You know the one I’m talking about, she’s really quiet and shy and works harder than anyone else in the office. She probably has some Hummel figurines on her desk or maybe some of those dumb little troll dolls with the hair. And she either takes care of her sick and infirm mother or she has pictures of her cat in costumes that she shows off like the cat was her kid. You know the lady I mean, she wears last years styles, if she’s being trendy and she’s always the first one in in the morning and the last one to leave at night. And, you always sense something about her. You’re not sure what it is, but you can just sense that there’s something behind that professional, shy veneer. It’s probably what it feels like if you’re an animal and you can sense an oncoming earthquake, you don’t know quite what’s gonna happen but you know something’s on the way and it’s NOT good!

Well, if you know that lady or if you are that lady, I’ve got a movie for you! It’s called Office Killer and it’s about, of all things, an Office Killer. This is the story of Doreen, a lady who’s worked in the same office for years and years, she’s quiet and shy and very loyal to the company. But, when the company begins downsizing, everyone is on the chopping block, including Doreen. The first step is that everyone is made part time and some people, like Doreen are given laptop computers so that they can work at home. Well, Doreen lives at home with her mother and her cats and doesn’t really like being at home, so she’s not too happy about this, but since she wouldn’t say shit if she had a mouthful…as they say…she goes along with all these changes.

Well, Doreen’s working in the office late one night with a co-worker who’s, how do I say this? Oh yeah, an asshole. Well, Doreen’s computer starts beeping, she doesn’t know how to stop it and, long story short, when the co-worker takes a look, Doreen ends up accidentally electrocuting him. At first, she’s stunned, and then she realizes something. She’s actually enjoyed killing her co-worker! Well, this is a great revelation to Doreen, no longer does she have to take the crap that her office companions dish out, she can lash out and get rid of them whenever she’d like to.

So, Doreen sends an email to the boss from the worker she killed, saying that he had to leave town and goes back to work. But, when the boss goes ballistic, you know what could happen? That’s right, Doreen might have to get rid of her too. Well, one thing leads to another and eventually Doreen has about half the office piled in her basement. But one person is on to Doreen, Molly Ringwald plays her and, I know what you’re thinking, and no, Molly doesn’t get killed, as much as we’d like to see that! Anyway, after Doreen is discovered by the new boss, she gets rid of her, sends an email to the office accusing the new boss of killing everyone and framing her, she burns down her house and moves on. And we all know what that means, not only could she be working right now in our office, but some poor schlub is now working on the sequel.

So, if you work in an office or just know a very quiet mousy lady, you should keep a close eye on her, she might be the type to kill everyone in the office and drag the bodies’ home. But either way, you’re going to enjoy Office Killer and you’ll never look at the local spinster the same way again.