Oh Snap! Moments IV – By Josh Samford

 Howdy, howdy! Bet you folks thought you had seen the last of old Josh Samford, thought maybe I’d been sent up the river? Locked in an attic? Buried under seven and a half foot of water by a big, bad mean old beast of a woman/hurricane named Katrina? I think NOT! I may have had the snot kicked out of me, I may be working seven days a week, I may be writing this as of the last day of my deadline at 10pm after having worked eleven hours today – but fool, I am up in your rear to give it to you clear! Here to throw some dope rhymes at anyone willing to listen to this geeky, pasty white boy try and pretend to be hip. So, hey, I’m going to try and step back in action as best as I can. What better way than to kick out an addition to my best, and only, series? Oh Snap Movie Moments, brought to you by Mr. T Flavored Corn Flakes and Vanilla Pepsi – because both are delicious and part of a growing geek’s nutricious needs. So if you’re not quick on the uptake, the little Oh Snap corner is basically my attempt at bringing humor to otherwise shocking or ridiculously insane moments in cinematic history. I take a look through my catalog of F-ed up movies, find some crazy stuff, make some funny pictures and write a whole mess of words just for you the reader. So, this month I decided it might be fun to tackle some fairly obscure and graphic flicks for you people. I’ll of course be on my very best family oriented behavior, but I warn – these movies are not for the weak of heart nor bladder/colon. It’s one thing if your ticker goes, but if you mess your pants – that’s just downright embarrasing.

05 – Murder Set Pieces – The Most Graphic Death Scene in the Movie

I’m one of those few people out there who haven’t actually wet their pants when discussing MSP. This puts me in a very small minority group from the start; but I have got to hand it to the movie – it does take some risks. Probably not as many as I expected from a film often labled one of the most violent and disturbing feature films of all time – but for what it is it’s a pretty interesting little serial killer flick. The on-screen gore is actually pretty minimal for its reputation, but there is one scene that breaks through and will give you a case of whiplash. Let’s just say it involves a chainsaw, torture room and one of about a million onscreen strippers/porn actresses who are slaughtered onscreen by our maniacal leading man. It’s like Scarface uncut or something like that, only we’re not talking arms getting axed. The one death scene nearly saved the whole film for me, I was buggin’ out.

04 – All Night Long 1-3 – An Orgy of Violence at the end of EVERY Movie!

The All Night Long trilogy (though I believe there are like five movies in the series now) is a pretty interesting little work of Japanese cinema. A shot on video series involving a storyline that somehow degenerates into perverted violence and sadism. Basically, each film is about exposing man for the raw animal that he is and as the third film states: human beings are garbage. Very happy films needless to say. The kind of flicks you bring home to mom after she’s had a hard day. A quick pick me up to boost your self esteem and lift your feet off the ground! A quick levitation from the mundane! That or a totally depressing series bent on showing humanity as the pond scum it might truly be. It’s something like that. Regardless, we’re talking some pretty demented flicks. The second entry in the series is probably the most brutal, with bats being used, knives, etc. You’ve never seen teenagers going so ape-mad on each other. Ahh, got to love those Japanese, they know how to have a good time.

03 – Anthropophagus 2000 – This One Is Hard to Explain

Okay, this is a family site basically. I mean, what kids are going to be reading this stuff I don’t know – but I have no idea how to explain this oddity without being a bit too graphic even for my liking. Let’s just say our scene takes place in an alley. There’s a man, there’s a woman… and when a man and woman like each other, sometimes they do things to make each other feel nice. Sometimes they kiss each other, sometimes they kiss each other’s bodies. This particular scene has to do with a woman kissing a man… on his body… in a certain place… and when a man is kissed for a good while, something happens… umm, and, well… I hope everyone is with me so far. So, you know what happens after the kissing – now imagine what happens when you overfill a water baloon and just put the two things together and you get the strangest head explosion known to man. All brought to you by the oddball Herschell Gordon Lewis of Germany: Andreas Schnaas. I have seen a few things in my time, but yeah, Schnaas kind of blew everything out the water… wait, is that a pun? Crap.

02 – Guinea Pig: Flowers of Flesh & Blood – THE WHOLE FREAKIN’ MOVIE

What is there to say about the Guinea Pig movies? Well, Charlie Sheen thought Flowers was a real to life snuff film and reported it to the FBI for those of you about ten years late to the controversy behind the film. There’s really not much you can go over when discussing Flowers, basically all it is is one elongated scene. Just a girl getting chopped to bits by this crazy dude dressed like a samurai. Bless those Japanese and their insanity. So yeah, the only question I know to ask is: did it live up to the hype? I was one of those people so freaked out to see this one that I delayed it for pretty much ever because I all but expected a fist to jump out of my television set and punch me dead in the mouth. Well, that didn’t exactly happen but there’s no getting past what a freak show Flowers happens to be. Without a doubt the sickest movie experience out there. So, with that maybe you’re wondering why it didn’t get the number one spot? Well, basically it comes down to the fact that Flowers of Flesh & Blood is more of an Oh Snap MOVIE rather than having one particular moment. So, as far as bits and pieces of cerebral damage by way of celluloid goes – I think my number one choice this time around is INCREDIBLY deserving!

01 – August Underground: Mordum – Dude Does Damage With Kiddie Scissors

You know what Canada? I want to fight. That’s right. For this one, the two of us are going head to head. I want blood, and not fake movie blood spurting from an area where a guy used to have a prostethic wang chicken. I want fake, oily blood pouring from a fake nose. Something like that at least. Good golly miss molly, let me tell you guys of the world something about August Underground: Mordum – if you’ve ever squirmed in your seat when watching one of those Bob Saget shows where some old dude is pegged in the nards – Mordum will make you a crying little sissy girl. It sure did me. I spent at the very least two hours sobbing into a throw pillow, telling myself that the man-meat wasn’t really seperated from the love farm. That the meat rod wasn’t detracted from the man-hill. That the purple hot stick was not truly ripped from it’s male roots. This may have all been true, but it sho nuff didn’t feel that way. I called my mother, called my pastor, called my pastor’s mother (I got them digits son, player of the year) and so on and so forth. Basically, if you have no clue as to what I’m talking about – in simple terms: the sickest castration of all time. Me, I’m a pretty rough and tough customer when it comes to gore flicks; but when the time came in August Underground Mordum where our lead characters, some out of control Canadian killers, forced some poor guy they were torturing to cut off his own manhood using a pair of those little kiddie scissors (like the kind you might use in kindergarten or something like that) that you just have to imagine as being dull as a rusty butterknife. If you’re thinking this act might take a good few snippits to get things done – congratulations you degenerate! You win the prize! One free ticket to I Wish I Had Never Seen That. So, as far as sick things go, yeah, I’d count this bad boy at the top of just about any list.

So I hope you peeps of the world are happy. The Oh Snap movie list continues, bringing the all around oddest of the world directly to you: my loyal reader(s). Hopefully there will be more, as I aim to have more sequels than the Friday films. With twice as much violence and teenage campers… wait, maybe not the teenager campers, but definitely some violence. I have no interest in kids, you perverts.