Well, here we are once again. The third installment in my most acclaimed series yet, and by acclaimed I mean that Duane expressed the fact that he kind of sort of liked them. So, with a hint towards the fact that someone might actually read something that I write, I am here to lay down the phat text and kick out the lists. You see, that’s just the way I do things. Really, I’m just old school like that. So yes, the previous winners of this most prestigious internet award, They Live and Dead or Alive were hotly debated issues throughout many communities. Some said I was out of my mind, others agreed, but made the point that both movies were incredibly awesome. So this time around, I’m looking to come up with another upset – because frankly, fans are overrated. That’s what I read once, having none, I wouldn’t quite know from firsthand experience. I do plan on becoming a scientist some day though, and will have my own harem of nerd groupies, but until that day comes I’ll just have to deal with internet obscurity. Which is pretty much the most depressing form of obscurity there is. Now, with my depressive rant out of the way, let’s talk about the Oh Snap! Movie Moments list. For those who didn’t pay attention for the previous rounds, and really you should be ashamed if you weren’t reading, this is basically a collection of oddball and outrageous moments compiled by me, selected by me and tested by Ralph Machio… and me. These are movie moments bound to offend, shock, repulse and desensitize you. Frankly, if you follow these lists and watch all of these scenes, chances are your mom will disown you. No one wants a freak for a child, and only a nutball like myself would dedicate their time and energy to seeking out such movies. With that said, let’s get on with the show!
Number Five: Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS – Ilsa goes postal on a poor lover
Castration is rarely a funny topic. I mean, there’s that occasional mean spirited article in a newspaper that is slightly humorous in that way that makes you feel bad for laughing – but really, as a guy, it’s just not something you want to think about or imagine. Now, there are plenty of reasons a woman might want to disable our manhood, let’s face it, sometimes we can be pretty big jerks (though if you ask me, there’s never a good reason to commit that lowest of the low) – but the single most embarrassing and horrific reason would have to be what is on display in Ilsa. Not only do the poor prison inmates at Ilsa’s slave camp have to go the rest of their life without their Jimmy-junk, but they have to go on explaining the fact that when they did have their tool, they apparently weren’t very good with it. That’s right, when Ilsa lays down with a man, if he doesn’t please her, she takes a memento. Yikes. I can only imagine how embarrassing, not to mention horrific, a life such as that would be. In one of the first scenes of the classic naziploitation classic Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS, we’re shown both the lovemaking and then the following disconnection of that bravest of soldiers. The horror takes place off screen, but we do get to see some blood flow… and honestly, who would want to see more? A moment of silence for the castrated and failed lovers of the world please.
Number Four: Suicide Club – 54 girls Vs. Train; Winner: The Train
I remember Suicide Club was one of those flicks that just seemed to come from out of nowhere for me. I had read no hype on it beforehand, only knew it was a recent Japanese horror film (and at the time, if it was from Nippon and featured anything remotely supernatural, I was on it like white on rice). So, when I popped it in, and you have to realize this was before reviews for the film were common and the film was had no official release, I was knocked on my backside in that first five minutes or so. Fifty four schoolgirls take to a subway station and eventually line up at the edge by the tracks. They count off “One, and a two, and a three” and dive right in. A moment later we’re looking at the face of a beautiful Japanese school girl as she pears up at the camera. Her face a calm and seemingly frozen expression. Her eyes are glazed over and she seems without a care in the world. Then her head explodes in a gelatinous spray of gooey blood, skull fragments and gore as the train begins to plow through the children. Blood spews forth from the tracks, literally blanketing the entire station (and the others who seek to climb aboard) in their blood. It’s one of those moments in a film that feels you with utter wonder and horror at the same time, and of course makes you scream nearly at the top of your lungs (sometimes Oh Snap!, sometimes something a bit more rude). There’s no doubt about it, the film has power, and this most extreme of introductions proves its point in record time.
Number Three: City of the Living Dead – A Girl vomits up her intestines
Hmm, isn’t that just a yummy description? A girl vomits up her intestines, yay! Sorry, but really, there’s no wittier or more apt way to describe this particular bit of Lucio Fulci greatness. Well, I don’t know if it’s fair to label the scene great, nor the film, but it’s certainly something special. In a supposed zombie movie where the zombies don’t actually eat human flesh and prefer to squish the brains of their victims, City of the Living Dead has a bizarre charm to it that rises over it’s many puzzling moments. Don’t even get me started on the conclusion to the film, trust me, there are a million other writers out there who could fill you in on the stupidity of it all (and I mean that in a loving way), but I’ll just refrain and point out perhaps the most disgusting gore scene of the film. Describing it is going to be hard because, well, where do you start? Umm, there’s this priest right? And he, like, killed himself in the town and, like, opened the gates of hell, or something. So, like, now he’s going around killing people as a ghost. And stuff. Or something. Whatever. The priest appears to a young couple (gettin’ their freak on, perhaps as this issue’s Oh Snap! cover-man ODB would say) and things go from freaky to freaktacular. The girl starts bleeding from her eyes and her intestines start pouring out in bulk. It’s easy to see how the scene was faked, but still, the stringy intestines are so disgusting it becomes easy to look over. It may not be Fulci’s greatest film, but I would say it isn’t too much of a stretch to call it one of his finer moments.
Number Two: Salo The 120 Days of Sodom – It’s a poo-poo party!
For those of you actually familiar with the film, you’re probably wondering “Okay bigshot, how on earth are you going to make this one entertaining?”, and really, you’re right. For those who don’t know, this is a rather infamous scene in Passolini’s Salo where a group of teenagers are forced to eat feces. Yeah, not exactly a happy sight, but it seriously made me shout “Oh Snap!” – followed closely by gagging sounds. Although I guess you could argue that the movie isn’t as disturbing as some might make it out to be, I mean from what I had read I thought I would faint after the scene in question, but there truly are few things more shocking/disgusting than the poo-poo party. The kids are all sat at tables with their masters (a bunch of Italian fascists) along with the prostitutes who gave the sickos the idea in the first place, and the main courses are brought out on shiny silver platters. The scene is over the top, but it fits, and really when you think about it, this is the height of the ridiculous. Still, it’s one of the most sickening things I’ve ever seen, and although not quite as funny as a girl vomiting up her intestines (Huh!?), it’s certainly well deserving of it’s high rank on this list of insanity. For those in for something truly outrageous, I don’t think this flick even needs my recommendation. I mean really, poo-poo party? Pop it in, scare your friends!
Number One: Visitor Q – Dad and Daughter do the Horizontal Jig
There are some moments that make you say “Oh snap!” of course, it’s the whole basis of this article, but there are some that make you say “Oh snap!” followed by “… I need prayer in my life”. This scene in Visitor Q is a prime example, and wins the coveted (though completely pointless) number one spot. I of course could go further and pull out even more horrifying scenes, as Visitor Q is about as packed to the brim with such scenes as you’re likely to see in any one movie – but I decided the freaky pornographic sex scene between father and daughter was best because (A) it has a disturbing impact on the audience and will likely lead you to crinkling your nose once you discover the details of the relationship and (B) All the really, REALLY nasty stuff takes place during the final minutes – and nobody likes a spoiler now do they. So, the moment I’ve chosen is from the very introduction of the film, where the actress who plays the daughter gives a little narration asking if the audience has ever, well, ‘did’ their dad. The answer I’m hoping for most is a solid NO, but regardless, the scene opens up with the father and daughter having a bit of a roll in the hay. I’m not talking about a sensual love scene either, nor am I talking about a dirty but still cinematic release of passion like in Monster’s Ball. No, this is more like a porno in all respects. Miike can get away with this though because due to the censorship of Japan, the crotches of all actors have to be blurred out with a mosaic if the film is to be released. A bit of brilliance on Miike’s part as this little censorship allows the audience to fill in the blank with their imagination, and by the end when it’s revealed that the two are related, dad pays his prostitute daughter and she complains because he didn’t finish her off. Can you say “ewwwww”? If you’re not thoroughly disgusted, once again, you might need prayer in your life. Whether or not you feel this is deserving of the big numero uno, if you haven’t seen the film, you don’t know what all comes afterward. This little bit here is only the beginning, and things just get more and more off kilter as the film progresses.
And with that so ends another successful installment into what will no doubt be remembered as the greatest achievement of modern journalism – the Oh Snap! Movie Moments list. I can just imagine it, in future decades, college kids will be studying these fables of mine and shrines will be erected in my image. Walking down the street will no longer be possible, because I will have reached a peak even higher than Stephen King. I’ll probably just lock myself in some apartment high-rise, go insane and start talking to boiled eggs. I can think of no better way to end it all. Until that time comes though, I’ll just keep randomly popping these things out for your reading pleasure. So, pass it on to your friends, or your enemies (if the grammar doesn’t kill them, my co-opting of black culture will) and help propagate the word of Sir Josh Samford, for some day I will be king.