Oh Snap! Movie Moments: Return of the Boogaloo Flu – By Josh Samford

“It’s never old school, all brand new. So everybody catch – The Boogaloo Flu! Not like a fever, not like a cold: the beats are clear, the rhymes are bold! So don’t see a doctor or see a nurse, just listen to the music – first things first.” or so the Beastie Boys would say in their classic rendition of a RUN DMC track, the ever popular Slow and Low. So, what is the Boogaloo Flu? Well, actually in the context of the song it was spelled differently as it was a possible reference to an old rock record from what I’ve heard, but ever since Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo hit the streets, it just wouldn’t be hip not to make a reference to that mother of cheesy sequels. So, what is the importance of the Boogaloo Flu and the continuation of the Oh Snap! Movie Moments series? Nothing, but hot dog if it’s not an easy and beautiful reference to start things out with.

Now, the last time I made a list such as this, I received a ton of hate mail for choosing the fight scene in They Live as my NĂºmero uno. Well, no, actually I got no mail whatsoever about the issue and even if I did I would probably be too lazy to read it regardless, but for the sake of making this interesting I’m going to pretend that I did get hate mail for such reasons. I’m also going to pretend I’m dating a very beautiful Japanese foreign exchange student who has been deprived of male companionship her whole life and now that she is released into the wild streets of America, she needs me to help guide her through many erotic adventures. That’s not going to help out too many people when reading this, but it does give me a bit of an edge and certainly is more interesting than my actual life. So, back to the issue (if there ever was one), They Live, yeah, maybe that was a cop-out. I don’t really know. At the time it seemed like the one scene that really was playing all the time in my brain, but ever since I completed that article (and if I do say so, I thought it was one of my best) I have thought of so many other pieces of film legend that could have replaced any one of my previous choices. So, with that in mind, why not give it another shot. I won’t come out any happier in the long run, but it’s a good time waster and a fairly quick way to build content!

Number Five – Fists of the White Lotus – Magical Testicle Gloves!

Look! I’m not an expert on Chinese mythology! I have not seen every Kung Fu film ever made, I don’t speak the language and I don’t follow the traditions. I haven’t even seen the prequel to Fists of the White Lotus, but I do know this, a man should not be able to grab you with his groin. You see, there’s this evil group in the film called The White Lotus clan (gee, I wonder if that’s where the title comes from?) and they’re lead by this white bearded fellow who I believe goes by the name of White Lotus. I don’t understand the physics of it, nor the myth surrounding it since the film doesn’t explain it on it’s own, but I assume that White Lotus has developed some form of Kung Fu that allows him to take on weightlessness which makes it near impossible for the lead characters to fight him. So, I have to imagine that with this weightlessness, he must create some kind of vortex in his stomach that sucks up certain parts of his anatomy, because not only does the guy not even flinch when punched directly in his man-junk – this cat can GRAB your hand with, well, I don’t really know what he’s using to grab the heroes hands in the film, but it looks as if they’re being grabbed by a glove deep under his robes or something. Really, I don’t get it, but I know I love it.

Number Four – Truck Turner – One Heck of a Long Chase Scene!

Issac Hayes will probably be best known as “that old black dude who plays Chef on South Park” for the remainder of his years, but for me, he’ll always be the baddest Blaxploitation hero I’ve ever laid eyes upon. Sure, he may not be a great actor or have the looks/talent of someone like Richard Roundtree, but he sure does have one of the best films from the era under his belt. Truck Turner is a bit of a forgotten gem for those not in the scene, but trust me folks, this flick is so good it’ll make your mama’s mouth water. One of the main highlights for me though has to be an abridged chase scene that takes place somewhere near the beginning of the film. It somehow crams two car chases, one gun-blasting foot chase, and a bar brawl, all seamlessly woven together one after another. It’s amazing, it’s literally as if someone just kept on saying “more action, more action, more action” while glancing over the scriptwriter’s shoulder. At the end of the sequence, the film takes a slight pause, only to come back with a scene with some nudity as some crazy white chick comes running out of a pimp’s house with her top off, and tries to stab Issac. How cool is that? I’ll tell you: Uber cool.

Number Three – Island of Death – Gettin’ Down and Dirty on the Farm!

Oh yeah, now this is what I’m talkin’ about! A nice, hot and passionate love scene! Something sensual, arousing, titillating and so amazingly hot that to spell hot you have to add the extra ‘T’ like a teenager girl. Hott. Oh, snap! My bad, this is from a movie where a guy has sex with a sheep! Whoops, I guess I was thinking of one of those erotic art-house Japanese flicks or something. No, Island of Death isn’t the sort of flick you’ll be watching with a female nearby if you ever want her to think you’re the slightest bit normal. The most sensual this film gets is when the lead character urinates on an older woman, that’s really the standout for that, but the one scene that always brings a smile to my face (I really don’t care if anyone knows that I’m a weirdo) is the one where our leading lad lays down with that sheep. After leaving his house where his old lady won’t, you know, help him out, he finds the woolly beast and begins the mating ritual. Don’t worry, it’s not really dirty. Mostly just reaction shots from the guy, but simply the fact that the film tried so hard to shock it’s audience makes it brilliant. I mean really, even by today’s standards sleeping with animals isn’t something usually shown, got to love Island of Death.

Number Two – Re-Animator – Bonesaw, Meet Chest!

While sitting down to watch the classic tale of Herbert West and his wondrous days of Med-School during one of the Rogue gatherings, Duane made the point that I forgot West old boy when compiling the first Oh Snap! list, so now I’m trying to make up for it. When I first saw (is that a pun?) Re-Animator back, well, however long ago it was, I remember being blown away by how gory the film was. I wasn’t quite as jaded as I am now (far from it), but I only remember one sequence really making me think that the film was almost grotesque. You know, but in a good way. The sequence was during the bit when West tries to awaken his first dead corpse and makes the mistake of bringing back to life a bodybuilder with a bad temper. I wasn’t disturbed purely because it involved a naked man running around spitting blood, though that would make anyone sick, it came from what followed when the bodybuilder crushed the Dean of the college’s fingers into chunky meat bits and then got what he had coming to him from the good Dr. West. That’s right, a bonesaw straight through the back and through the chest. I don’t think anything quite like it has ever been attempted in horror cinema since, and truly this one bit of gore stands out as a crowning achievement for the horror genre as a whole.

Number One – Dead or Alive – An Introduction to Top All Others!

WHAT!? I’m giving an Asian film top honors! That just figures from the guy who runs Varied Celluloid, he never reviews anything but those friggin’ Japanese flicks. Why, if I ever run into that clown, I’ll knock his eyes down to his toes! Or something! Yeah, so what, not only did I choose a Japanese film, but I picked a Takashi Miike film to boot! I’m so biased, I know, but what can I say, if you can find me a more adrenaline soaked opening to a film then I’ll marry your daughter. I don’t care how ugly she is.The opening to DOA starts with the two lead characters sitting on the side of a bay, counting off the film like a rock song and wouldn’t you know it, one of the baddest, grooviest rock tunes known to man also happens to start jamming over all the chaos that follows. A prostitute with a bag of cocaine is shoved from the top of a building, clowns carry shotguns down the street and hand them over to our leading anti-hero, a man is either raped or is being made love to (it’s pretty doggone ambiguous) in a bathroom but the session is cut short when someone stabs the ‘pitcher’ of this little session in the neck spewing blood all over the bathroom. Some poor highschool girl gets her head slammed in a metal post by the police and a Mafioso watches a stripper do her stuff while some Rock & Roll dude sniffs some girls’ panties. Yeah, I don’t know half of what is going on in the sequence either, and I haven’t even fully described it all yet! There’s also a guy who snorts a football field length line of cocaine, a man who is shot and spews ramen noodles and brains splattered against the windshield of a car. This is the definitive way to open a film. Bambi should have started like this, Casablanca should have started like this, heck, even The Ten Commandments should have at least featured guns in a grocery store! So what if I’m biased as all get-out because he’s my favorite director, watch the film and see if you disagree with me. If you do, then your opinion just isn’t valid anyway sucker.

So that does it for another list of moments that made this sap say Oh Snap! Yeah, that was a cheap rhyme, but you guys haven’t heard any of my rap demos. When I release those bad boys onto the public you’ll all be singing a different tune no doubt about it. Or maybe you won’t, who knows. I do know that I’m digging these lists and that the Oh Snap! Movie Moments list will return in The Reckoning, but how ever will I find another hip hop star making a goofy face to replace the two I’ve already used? Guess I’ll just throw Ice Cube in photoshop and we’ll see what turns out. Y’all be cool.