Oh Snap Movie Moments VI – By Josh Samford

 What’s happening everybody, it’s Josh here again dropping more knowledge than a shipwrecked Professor on Gilligan’s Isle. Without all the coconuts of course and unfortunately less cleavage. It’ been a while since I got around to writing up another Oh Snap article. I put the whole project on hiatus, due mainly to the fact that when you have a good thing going you don’t want to run it into the ground. So this month, I figured, what the heck surely this break will prevent me from running my comedic truck into the dirt. Expect any result though, because we may very well be smashing into the soil by the end of this. For those new to this column of sorts, it’s really pretty simple. Oh Snap! Movie Moments… as in Moments within Movie pictures that make you exclaim: "Oh Snap!". To the delight and in utter emulation of the profound and wise Biz Markie who really hammered home the correct pronunciation of the term in his classic tune about infidelity "You Got What I Need". Certainly a track that could be the pinacle of human achievement in a timeline of human creations. This is complete fact based upon compiled data from scientists the world over, not just me rambling on. So, now that you know WHAT these moments are, now its time to figure out HOW you find these moments… well, watch movies of course, but what movies? I’ll show you!

5 – Crippled Masters – The Entire Movie
Crippled Masters isn’t a disturbing horrror, heck it’s not even offensive really – but what bizarre? That’s precisely what it is. Detailing the story of two men wronged by the local government who are rendered crippled for relatively nothing. One man has his legs covered in acid that makes them shrivel up until they’re nothing (in actuality, the actor is simply a man with some kind of disease that has done this to his lower half) and the other had his arms chopped off (once again a man who is genuinely missing his limbs). The two set out on a path of revenge and seek to destroy injustice. Seriously, armless man and legless dude – and we’re not talking clean nubs here either. The legless dude, I sincerely hope he had some kind of fake prostetic limbs hanging from his lower half to make the whole "acid poured on my legs just shriveled them up but didn’t burn them off" look, because otherwise it’s pretty darn disturbing. Then the armless man who looks as if he was just born deformed in the fact that he still has a couple of extended pieces of flesh that he can control in place of his shoulders… I really wish I was making all of this up. I realize today we have to be a more civilized culture and we have to be more accepting of such deformities – because if I was in either man’s situation lord knows I wouldn’t want some punk 20-something year old kid poking fun at me over the internet – but c’mon! How insane is this movie?

 4 – Black Shampoo – Blaxes Chainsaw Massacre & Curling Iron Kebob
Black Shampoo, what can I say? It’s a gem! An absolute gem. Flicks this fun and this crazy shouldn’t be this unknown. You’ve got a buff ladies man who’s also a hairdresser, and usually bangs his customers everytime he does their hair – this guy has it made! Except when the mafia try to move in and tell him his new assistant can’t work for him – and this just ticks the big man off. Before long you’ve got a straight hairdresser versus the entire mob! Unfortunately when the mob comes to his salon, only his homosexual brethren are there and they aren’t as tough as our studly star. So, when one of the mafioso are looking for the Stud, they ask our gay hairdressing friends a little too hard – and thus the scene concludes with a curling iron up the rectum. That’s right, curling iron rape. Didn’t see that one coming did you? The movie ain’t over yet though! We still have our chainsaw finale with the stud going all bonkers on the mafia guys and hacking them up one by one. You have GOT to see this movie if you’re a fan of A) Blaxploitation movies, B) Curling Iron Rape or C) Black dudes running around cutting up honkeys. Since I love all three, this was like heaven for me!

3 – Citizen Toxie – Retarded Kid Bloodbath
The good folks over at Troma have made my list more than once, and with their last Toxic Avenger film (and arguably the best, certainly the best since the first) The Toxic Avenger IV: Citizen Toxie – I was impressed all over again! Citizen Toxie breaks all boundaries of good taste, which is nothing new for Troma – but this one really pushes the limits and I loved every second of it. The very opening, and who could start off a film in better shape, begins with a group of diaper wearing maniacs taking over a school for the mentally handicapped – then proceeding to abuse, beat and ultimately kill nearly every single one of them! Poor kids… but hey, it’s Troma, they deserved it of course! Heads are blown off, blood and gore are smeared across the room and at one point human feces makes a proud appearance. In a film full of abortion talk and body parts strewn across the screen – Citizen Toxie had to start off strong and they certainly did that!

2 – The New Barbarians – Initate me HOW!?
A new favorite of mine, although not exactly what I would call great cinema it is some entertaining stuff. Your average post-apocalyptic scenario, with the earth ravaged but everyone still having very scifi-esque technology such as battle suits that look like they’re made of clear fish bowls and cars that have protracting helicopter type blades that decapitate anyone who kneels in front of them. Well in our film there are two factions: the crazy destruction cult known as The Templars, and then there’s everyone else. The templars are not quite like the religious group they take their name from, since apparently they have a hatred for religion, books or anything from the old world. They do take after the old world’s ways of fashion as they all wear their pretty matching white uniforms when they go out on patrol. So at some point you know we have to have a hero to come save us from all of this, and enter "Scorpion" who generally sticks it to the man at all times. However, our Oh Snap! moment comes to play when the man actually sticks it to him! Being captured by The Templars is bad enough, but what happens when they don’t want to kill you – but recruit you? Trust me, it’s worse than death. The templars attach a horse-shoe looking device around our hero’s neck that is tied to a pulley-system that one templar pulls and causes our hero to bend over… then the lead templar, played by the always great George Eastman, steps up behind the bent over Scorpion – unzips and we cut away. Now, what… the… fudge. You’ve got me man, but seriously, doesn’t get much more insane than that.

 1 – Cannibal – YOU DON’T DO THAT TO A DUDE!
There’s really one thing that seperates men from women… well, aside from the equipment of course. No, it’s man’s need to protect the equipment. We men all realize that this part of the body is a fragile, delicate and most excellent portion of our anatomy and in many ways the best thing about our often meaningless existance. So, genetically we are all given an alarm. It’s an alarm that goes off when we even so much as see another man bearing down trauma on that most fragile bit of our lower abdomen. We see a skateboarder trip and do a split on a railing, we cross our legs. We see some dude getting kicked square in his package, we grope our own equipment to reassure it that everything is going to be A-OK. Then when we see things like what Cannibal offers us up today, well, it just hurts. For those of you unfamiliar, Cannibal retells the story of a real life German cannibal who found a willing volunteer over the internet. The man came back to our cannibal’s apartment, they relaxed, they screwed and then they began their feast – and this is where our Oh Snap! Movie Moment comes into play. Well, where does one start when your victim is still living and you’re cutting out a section to eat? Me, I’d start with the breast since it’s the best part of a chicken but that’s just me. No, our cannibal is a bird of a different sort. He goes for that most sacred of treasures… he goes for the wang-doodle. We are then treated to one of the most brutal and realistic castrations you will ever see in a motion picture. You may shed a tear, but you will most certainly be crossing those legs and groaning until the scene is over that’s for sure. Well that does it for another one of these bad boys. I’m feeling better, I can’t just let the series die now can I? Especially when there are so many other movie moments to chronicle. It’s all in due time, one day these articles will be part of an online time capsule – preserved from server to server for thousands of years – to show the world just what the turn of the 21st century was all about and where cinema stood. Unfortunately, there will be no Biz Markie in the time capsule for them to make any sense of all of my rantings. Still, maybe these future people will be able to download these movies mentioned directly into their brain and give them a whirl… oh, and you in the present, maybe you can do the same. Although, you would look so much cooler if you tracked the flicks down while driving in a flying car. I’m just saying, you may want to get to work on that technology is all.