Oh Snap! – Vol. 5 – By Joshua Samford

 Hiya ladies and gents, with my recent entry into a new and much more reputable form of writing with my Japanese Grue series of articles; I decided it was best to take things back a little bit on the old school side of things. The Oh Snap! movie moments series has been good to me. It paid for my viper, my divorce and even gave me a massage when I was down and out in Santa Monica for that one decade – but I turned my back on the series; went onwards towards more "hip" fare and tried to deny what I once was – and that is a nerd who finds it funny to use a lot of hip hop lingo to spice up articles about movies no rapper would ever watch. Aside from RZA in the wu-tang clan; that guy watches a lot of good stuff. Regardless of the Wu, whether or not they really are something to F with, the Oh Snap! movie vault is a never ending library of freaked out flicks and weirdo art house cinema. Therefor it’s pretty tough to run out of discussion on the subject of freaky junk I am able to pull out of a hat. Not to mention these articles tend to be a lot of fun in the writing stage, the fact that I’m still writing the opening monologue at this point is testament to that. Whether or not this is a fun or (most likely) painful event for you; I could care less. The world has one center axis, and if someone told you it was anything but me then they’re liking heathens. Let’s get on with the show.

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Oh Snap! Numero 5-O: Red Room – You Broke a Bottle WHERE!?
I tell ya, I love Japanese cinema. You point me to any other group of people currently making cinema the likes of Red Room. Yeah, yeah, I know Red Room is a few years old even at this point so we can’t pretend it’s the most current of cinema on the market – but c’mon, only the Japanese would make something as sick as these groups of films. One of the most painful and yucktastic of moments in Red Room came during a sequence where two of our lead characters were placed in the "dare cage" as I like to call it while the man was dared to do all kinds of yucky sexual stuff to the girl in there with him. Let’s just say, he finds a glass bottle – decides he knows just where to stick it and by circumstance… well, let’s say that no one should play with glass bottles because they break very easily. Sometimes in places they REALLY shouldn’t have been in the first place.

Oh Snap! Numero 4-O: Snuff – The Ending, DUH!
Yeah, the ending for Snuff is the only logical choice to place here from the film since… well, the rest of the stinkin’ movie is so awful. The ending for Snuff does indeed make it all almost worthwhile and I think the faux ending tacked on by the distributors actually makes for one of the better gags pulled on an audience that I’ve seen. The effects of the sequence where a girl is killed in a pseudo-snuff manner is actually pretty decent for the decade it was made. If you’ve seen Flowers of Flesh and Blood this is of course all going to be tame and you’re probably kicking me about not putting Red Room ahead of this one – but it’s not all about which scene is gorier; it’s about which scene I am currently thinking about more. Booyah, once again: world axis = me. Me = writer. You = MY SERVANT!!!

Oh Snap! Numero 3-O: Imprint – AWWW MAAANN!
If were ranking all of this on the sickest of the sick, Imprint would probably be in the second or first position out of this group of flicks. I mean, I don’t want to get on the topic of abortion with anyone, I’m a pretty conservative dude politically and that tends to put me at polar opposite ends with a LOT of people out there and I’m not big on arguing in instances where no one will change their minds on any given issue. However, Imprint just takes the abortion issue and delivers something so creepy and disgusting that all I want to do is shake Miike’s hand for making me nearly gag. That take some skill to do that one. Imagine what happens to all of the unborn fetuses the world over, now imagine what was done in the early 20th century or late 19th. Miike shows us some pretty shocking images like fetuses being discarded and simply thrown into creeks with a sickening plop sound. Miike, you are a disgusting freak, but you know I love ya.

Oh Snap! Numero 2-O: Naked Blood – A Tea-Spoon Full of What?
I can’t lie, I’m a bit of a wuss when it comes to only a few things. Watching real life injuries – especially the kind where someone has a bone bent the polar opposite way it’s supposed to go – and eyeball damage; in movies or otherwise. I’m sorry, I like my eyes! I hope they never go anywhere, and watching other people lose theirs… barf city to the max! Naked Blood offers one of the most grotesque displays of ocular destruction. The film is based around a group of girls who are given an experimental drug that makes them feel pleasure whenever their brain is supposed to be feeling pain. So when one of the girls, who absolutely loves eating, discovers her new found eroticism – well, she combines her love for food with her new love for pain; takes a spoon, combines the two and makes herself possibly one of the first self mutilating cannibals I know of. Eating eyeballs is not fun kids, don’t try this at home.

 Oh Snap! Numero 1-O: Bone Sickness – Premutos + Fear Factor = This Flick
Bone Sickness really is one part Premutos and one part Fear Factor. For those who possibly don’t know, Premutos is a German splatter film with a pretty heavy plot and Fear Factor is some crazy old NBC show where people ate bugs and stuff. Yuck to the max. Anywho, Bone Sickness might not be the greatest or most popular film on the list today – but once again; Earth Axis. Me. Yeah, you know the rest. So, why did I choose it? Well, how could I not! People voluntarily taking dead earthworms and putting them in their mouths. Taking worms in their mouth, vomiting them up. Projectile worm pooping. Etcetera, etcetera. Bone Sickness is a very disturbed little film made by even more disturbed people; and I think it deserves at least some promotion and thanks to Unearthed Films – we can all take "pleasure" in it’s bad taste. If anything is going to make you say Oh Snap though, it’s all the worms ever present in Bone Sickness. At least these guys were daring enough to do it for their art… me, I’d rather just not and throw in a chainsaw sequence to make up for it. So, this draws another Oh Snap movie moments article to a close. For those keeping track, which would be all none of you, this is my fifth entry. My how things have changed… okay, maybe they haven’t changed all that much but I sure have seen a whole lot more since my original article and if you ask me I think I’ve gotten even wittier! I HAVE! Anyone who says otherwise is a commie pinko MF’ing sociopath. With that said, it’s time for my meds so I’m off to lala land! See you guys sometime in the near future, with even more movie moments for you to Oh Snap to!