Once Upon A Honeymoon (1956) – By Nichele Johnston

What we have here is a short film jam-packed with the kind of schmaltz only the 1950’s could deliver. Up on Cloud 7, the angels are in a tizzy because back on Earth Jeff and Mary haven’t had a honeymoon yet. Yup, the travel plans of these two take precedence over poverty, crime, and war. It’s up to the bespectacled angel Wilbur to maker sure our two whitebread middle class suburban perfect couple get the honeymoon they deserve!!! Wilbur crash lands on their roof and watches as the long delayed honeymoon is delayed even longer when Jeff, some kind of Broadway show tune writer, gets a call about his "Wishing Song". It’s not good enough. The boss Gordon and copper-bottomed bitch Sonya wants more ‘wishing’ in it. Jeff needs to write something else…STAT!

While Jeff smokes about 40 packs of cigarettes trying to find some inspiration so he can go on his honeymoon and get laid, Mary flounders around the kitchen singing some of asinine lyrics of the "Wishing Song":

I wish I had a castle in the sky
Way up high were bluebirds like to fly
A cozy little castle with a hundred rooms or more
With stars for windows, clouds for rugs, a rainbow for a door.

I’m sure Andrew Lloyd Webber is quaking in his boots. Anyways, Wilbur sprinkles cocaine onto our heroine (no pun intended), and Mary being the good little housewife she is, she just wants a decent kitchen with a new fridge stove, fridge, sink and a nifty fire-engine red phone. Her PhD can wait another year, I suppose. Remember the red phone craze that swept the nation back then? Me neither. But wait, Mary isn’t satisfied with a new kitchen after all. Now she wants a new living room. Jeff and Mary are now suddenly dressed to the nines as they dance around the ugliest living room I’ve ever seen in my life. She really does need new drapes and carpet because my eyes are bleeding at what’s there right now. But hey, there’s a new telephone to go with it! This one is a sage green in case you care. And if you do, I weep for you.

Mary ends up in the bedroom. Ooh-la-la it ain’t. Our lovebirds have been married for a year and still sleep in separate beds!! Hey guys, the kids aren’t just going to magically appear from the stork, ya know. Amazingly, the bedroom decor is even more hideous than the living room. And yes, there’s a phone. Mary continues to sing about pretty telephones. I think Mary has some unresolved issues. Her bizarre obsession with phones needs some deep psychoanalysis.

Jeff is starting to get really perturbed. His composing sucks and just wants to go on his honeymoon. He orders Mary, his wife/secretary/slave, to call up the Sonya and the crew and tell them they can damn well wait for another week. But Wilbur, remember Wilbur?, sprinkles more cocaine on our newlyweds. Listening to his wife dial the phone, Jeff suddenly has an epiphany. Yes, the sound of a rotary dial has sent Jeff’s creative juices flowing at 110%. If only everything were that easy, huh? His new song is brilliant, yes brilliant!!! Of course, Sonya loves it. Everything is right with the world. The lovebirds are free to cash in that coupon at Niagra Falls.

Mission accomplished. Wilbur phones his boss back up in the clouds to say that his job is done. Wow, I can see why he had to come all the to Earth to do this. Maybe next time Wilbur can help little Billy with his book report or little Suzy with her show-and-tell project. Hopefully, Wilbur will get some help with his cocaine problem. The End.

I’ve read that this was created by Bell Systems to show off their new colored telephones. I guess they forgot that black goes with anything.