Pedantic Pirates of the Cursory Caribbean – By Jonathon Pernisek

 The following is a meticulous recreation of the recent blockbuster release, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Feel free to use this in lieu of actually buying a ticket to the film. Thank you, and have a wonderful reading experience.

*   *   *

ELIZABETH. I can’t believe we’re in China!

BARBOSA. Aye, we be in China because we need to meet with the Chinese Pirate Lord, seein’ as how there be a gatherin’ of the Pirate Brethren here pretty soon.

ELIZABETH. Right you are, Captain Barbosa. Look, there he is!

SAO FENG: I am Sao Feng! Grr.

ELIZABETH. And look, they have taken Will Turner, who as you may recall is my estranged lover from our past two adventures–

BARBOSA. Aye, I recall.

ELIZABETH. Well, anyway, they’ve taken him prisoner!

WILL. I was taken prisoner while trying to steal Sao Feng’s mystical charts, which would have helped me gain leverage in my plan to save my father from his servitude on the Flying Dutchman–

ELIZABETH. Which is of course captained by the evil Davey Jones–

WILL. Of course. Well, anyway, now Sao Feng is very angry.

SAO FENG. I am Sao Feng! Grr.

BARBOSA. We shall fight each other. Avast!

ELIZABETH. Look out, here come a lot of British soldiers. We don’t like them because they work for the East Trading Company, right?

WILL. Yes, and–

BARBOSA. Yes, and–oh, I’m sorry–

WILL. No, go ahead.

BARBOSA. Yes, and as we all know, the East Trading Company is in possession of Davey Jones’ heart, a fact which in turn allows them to command his every move and subsequently threatens the very sanctity of piracy.

ELIZABETH. Watch out, gunplay afoot!

WILL. Aye, and swordplay as well.

–Meanwhile–

JACK. I sure am crazy. Hoo, am I crazy. Damn I’m crazy.

–Meanwhile–

ELIZABETH. Well, a lot of stuff sure did happen.

BARBOSA. Yep. Now let’s go get Jack from that mystical realm known as World’s End, where he is neither alive or dead–

TIA/CALYPSO. But ah doomed spirit cursed te roam de infinite spahn of existence for all tome!

BARBOSA. Time?

TIA/CALYPSO. Da’s wha’ I said. And little do these people know that I am not in fact Tia but actually the human form of the Sea Goddess Calypso.

ELIZABETH. What?

TIA/CALYPSO. Nuting. Let’s goh save Jackie.

WILL. Yes, let’s go save him, because as we all know Jack too is a Pirate Lord and thus must be in attendance at the gatherin’ of the Pirate Brethren if we are to successfully band together against the East Trading Company.

ALL. Aye-aye!

WILL. Even though secretly I have made a deal with both Sao Feng and the East Trading Company that will result in the defeat of Davey Jones and allow me to free my father, who as we speak is still serving that tentacled foe.

BARBOSA. What?

WILL. Nothing. Shall we go then?

–Meanwhile–

JACK. Boy I’m crazy. Hey guys, what’s up?

WILL. Not much. Wanna go to a Pirate Lord meeting?

JACK. Not really.

ELIZABETH. Well you’re going whether you like it or not, so come on.

JACK. Alright then.

–Meanwhile–

GAY PIRATE A. Aye, I probably be gay.

GAY PIRATE B. Aye, me too. And I have a glass eye.

GAY PIRATE A. Gay piracy be a funny thing.

GAY PIRATE B. Aye. Hey look, the monkey and the midget are dancing.

GAY PIRATE A. Yar. That, too, be similarly amusin’.

–Meanwhile–

DAVEY JONES. Argh, it be a hard life, seeing as how I love the Sea Goddess Calypso even though she turned against me all those years ago, sending me into a rage that resulted in my becoming this octopine freak.

BOOTSTRAP BILL. Argh, it be a hard life for me as well, considering I miss me son but know that if he kills you via stabbing your heart (which is now in the hands of the East Trading Company) he will be forced to be the captain of the Flying Dutchman and thus never be with the woman he loves.

DAVEY JONES. But as we all know, the Pirate Lords–or at least the first group of Pirate Lords, not the ones we know of today–decided many years ago with my help to contain Calypso in human form so she wouldn’t wreck all of our lives like the little whore she be. So if all of the Lords bring together the Nine Pieces of Eight, then they can free her and the seas will once again be her plaything, which would be mighty not-good. Of course they could also elect a Pirate King and go to war with the East Trading Company, which would make matters all the more complicated.

BOOTSTRAP BILL. Hey, what’s going on outside?

DAVEY JONES. I think it be a battle between the East Trading Company and the Pirate Lords on the borders of a great maelstrom, which seems to have been created by the newly restored Calypso. So essentially it would appear that all I have just considered has come true. Yep. All to fruition, it came to be.

BOOSTRAP BILL. I guess we should go outside then.

DAVEY JONES. Argh.

–Meanwhile–

WILL. Marry me, Elizabeth!

ELIZABETH. Even though we have been so estranged as of late? Okay.

BARBOSA. And I’ll conduct the ceremony. You’re married.

WILL and ELIZABETH. Hurray!

DAVEY JONES. Ha, I stabbed you just now, William!

WILL. Argh!

ELIZABETH. And I’m still angry over your plotting with the East Trading Company and Sao Feng to betray the other Pirate Lords, even though I know you did it for the noble reason of saving your father, Will.

WILL. Argh!

JACK. Here Will, stab Davey Jones’ heart, since by doing so you won’t die but become the Flying Dutchman’s captain. That way you can at least see Elizabeth one day out of every ten years and get some real hot poo-nanny-nanny-tang.

WILL. Awesome. Stab.

DAVEY JONES. Argh! I be dead and falling into the maelstrom. And just for the record, I still love Calypso even though she seems to still be angry with me for helping imprison her in human form all those years agooo…and we both have matching locketsthatareasymbolofourlastingthoughcomplicatedlooove…

TIA/CALYPSO. Aye, dis is true. But I doo not care cause I be a part of de sea now. Later, player haters!

ELIZABETH. Oh well. See you in ten years?

WILL. Only if I can rub my face against you a little bit beforehand.

ELIZABETH. Alright then.

JACK. Meanwhile, I’ve stolen Barbosa’s mystical charts (which were stolen from Sao Feng by him some time ago) and plan to go after the Fountain of Youth in another one of my daring adventures.

BARBOSA. Jaaack! Where be me charts?!

JACK. Uh-oh. Exit, stage-right, even!

WILL and ELIZABETH. Here we go again!

CUE CREDITS.