Picking a Presidential Cabinet From the Movies – By Danny Runion

May is the start of primary elections. Quite a few political signs for local candidates have started popping up in neighbors’ yards. As political commercials start to overrun radio and television, you just get sicker and sicker about it. Well, close your eyes and imagine a new world. How a world would be different with another President and cabinet? Outside the realm of possibility, Frederick Kreuger is President.


President – Freddy Krueger

After his famous "Thousand points of knives in my enemies" and "Welcome to Prime Time" speeches, President Freddy Krueger was able to begin to inspire most of the country to think of him more than a flash in the pan. With his many contacts, he established a cabinet of many greatly-qualified and under-appreciated nominees.

Vice President – Tall Man

Vice President Tall Man has had a number of setbacks with the American population continuing to see him more as a place mat than an actual leader. A number of protestors would ridicule him for hanging around with extra-dimensional midgets that steal towns of corpses.

Secretary of State – Pinhead

With his elegant vocabulary of such expressions about "how your tears are a waste of perfectly good suffering," how can you not picture how Pinhead would be able to negotiate treaties or confer with Secretary Voorhees to handle other state crises?

Secretary of the Treasury – Leprechaun

Could anyone insure better safety of the American economy than the Leprechaun especially the way he watches out for his own gold?

Attorney General – Maniac Cop

Any legal problems of the system would best be solved by this former police officer who understands the weaknesses in the system after being framed for several felonies before actually committing numerous felonies.

Secretary of the Interior – Jupiter from the Hills Have Eyes

Jupiter has spent much of his life in rural areas. This has given him quite a love of open spaces and knowledge of nuclear testing grounds, too.

Secretary of Agriculture – Scarecrow

Could anyone know more about the issues of contemporary farmers than one who spent years in a field being picked apart by crows?

Secretary of Commerce – Amityville House

This house may have a hard time traveling the country on its own without sending cursed lamps in its place. However, this house understands the interest rate on home loans far better than any tax lawyers would.

Secretary of Labor – Chucky

Chucky’s experiences with Good Guy toys give him a deeper understanding of the working grasp of labor than previous Secretaries of Labor.

Secretary of Defense – Jason Voorhees

It was discovered most enemies of the country weren’t able to endanger the US after President Krueger would point out to Mr. Voorhees that said country had a number of summer camps with drug-taking teen-aged counselors. Voorhees would take care of the encampment easily thanks to his incredible regenerative abilities and quite ruthlessly after discovering there were no teens there to slaughter.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Candyman

Mr. Candyman’s unique experiences with urban housing project of Cabrini Green give him a better grasp of how to handle project housing than anyone else.

Secretary of Transportation – Christine

A 1958 Plymouth Fury must be the greatest choice to guide road construction along and develop how to increase fuel efficiency for vehicles.

Secretary of Energy – Electro

He may have been beaten and battered by a certain webcrawler for years; Max Dillion still is Electro the human dynamo capable of generating massive amounts of electricity.

Secretary of Health and Human Services – Doctor Giggles

With his degrees from Frankenstein Institute for Science and Horror and a glowing recommendation from Dr. Herbert West, Dr. Giggles has begun implementing a new program to help promote health through survival of the fittest.

Secretary of Education – Michael Meyers

Mr. Meyers has quite a rapport with teenagers and understands their problems especially as how they refer to ancient Druid practices.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs – Uncle Sam

Though his previous experiences of brutally murdering anyone he felt wasn’t patriotic enough could be considered a blot on some people. For him, it is a badge of honor and distinction.