You know, it has been far too long since I continued this series. Well, I guess you could call it more of a one-shot up until now. Many, many months ago I wrote the debut for what seemed like possibly the greatest literary series known to man. The Psycho Freakout/Geekout (depending on who you ask) Collection. A series of slightly, but not completely, fictionalized battles featuring some of the greatest teams in cinematic history. Last time Team Banzai from Buckaroo Banzai had a war with The A-Team, and the winner was a convoluted mess that very few even tried to understand. Lord knows I didn’t, and I helped write it (my co-writer, Stephen King helped ghost write it for me… yes, THE Stephen King… the drunk hobo who hangs out behind Denny’s in Covington Louisiana). Never the less, the series has haunted me ever since. My friends told me it was a work of comedic brilliance. My peers, such as Ronnie Van Zant (who appeared to me in a vision, holding a lamp made of assorted meats) congratulated me on the work and assured me that the write thing was to "keep on truckin’". So, with all of this, I decided to drop the article and make more tiring "Oh Snap!" articles. Hey, screw you, I like writing the Oh Snap! pieces. Anyway, I decided now was the time. This is the moment we have all been waiting for. As one man enters into a political era, and one man enters into a new cinematic milestone well past his prime (THEY’RE MAKING ANOTHER ROCKY AND RAMBO FLICK? WUT!?) – I look back at a battle that may or may not have happened. I will let you the reader decide that… but it did happen.
THE HOWS AND WHYS
The first thing everyone needs to know is the simple background. Anrold Schwarzenegger and Sly Stallone are not human. This has been genetically proven countless times by scientists far more hip to the lingo than I. Lord knows I could dig up countless theoretical articles, go through the stacks and stacks of scientific journals based solely on this issue – but given that this is most assuredly a fact and not at all a BS lie I pulled out of my rear-end to help flesh out a fake article I am writing for the internet – we will all just swallow this gumbo and move along. Being that we have proven that Arnie and Sly are not at all members of our human race, one can’t help but ponder the actualities of these men – these brute, destructive men – and the possibility that all along we haven’t seen just one group of men on screen doing all that we wish we could have; but a series of clones all programmed for a seperate set of action and displaying their capabilities for us, the mindless public of the Earth – with which they both have plans of dominating. Good lord, was that one single run-on sentence or like nine seperate thoughts compiled into one? My mind-bending use of the English language aside, with two forces so close to dominating, what can the two do other than try to decimate one another? Lord knows joining forces and enslaving humanity to their will would just be silly, and silliness has no place in an article such as this one. One cannot help but picture the scene. A dimly lit backlot of a major motion picture studio. Like RKO… or something more modern. Like Lion’s Gate. Arnie model PP7, the most popular Arnie for his role as a robot (due to his metallic bone structure) in the Terminator franchise, enjoys some Penzoil at the refreshment table alongside Arnie PP1 – the less popular Loincloth Arnie from the Conan films. As they await Arnie PP3, AKA: "MATRIX!!!!!" from Commando, the two discuss their acting abilities and who has the better grunt. In the distance an inaudible noise is heard, like that of a raccoon being strangled – as a dimly lit figure comes closer and closer, it is apparent that the sound is none other than Arnie PP3 (MATRIX!!!!) screaming like a sobbing child as he is chased down by a van of Sly Stallones. Stallone Model 1, the Rocky Sylvester dresses as his model did when he dawned his shorts in Rocky IV – fully ready to take on some communist scum once again. Stallone Model 2, the Cobra Sylvester, is at the wheel wishing he were driving something a little more flashy than an Astrovan; but still sporting his reflective sunglasses. Even driving a soccer mom’s choice of vehicle; he is still one of the coolest men on the planet. Then last but not least is Stallone Model 3, the Rambo Sylvester – who, well, duh, he’s got a big gun and he’s ready to lay the beat down on a bunch of Austrian scum. As the battle gears up, trash talk commences. A battle of "Yo Mama" jokes commence between the two groups, leading the tense atmosphere into something nearly unbearable.
Rocky Stallone: "Hey yo… Yo mama so ugly… alright… she entered a ugly contest… and they said no professionals allowed… knowwhatahmsayin?"
Terminator Arnie: "Negative, your speech patterns are quite irregular."
Rocky Stallone: "Hey yo, yo speech patterns is pretty irregular too, ya know?"
Commando Arnie: "YOU’VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME!!! YO MAMA SO FAT, I CUT HER AND GRAVY SPILL OUT!!!! ARGHHHH!!! GIMME BACK MY DAUGHTER!!!"
Cobra Stallone: "These are cold and desolate times we’re living in. The streets just aren’t safe any more, and I’m here to clean up what’s left of the festering scum that is our society. Here to shove the pill down the throats of all the vermin who decide to wreck their chaos upon the world. My life is a cold, merciless and cruel reality – and that’s on a good day. I won’t stop until I know the world is either coming to destruction, or my body has grown cold from death… oh, and yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and came up with four quarters."
Six of the biggest action stars the business has ever produced. Between the six of them, god only knows how many billions they have produced. Just think, if it weren’t for Cobra Stallone – they might all still be living. After the above mentioned rant of Cobra’s during the – albeit not very friendly, but certainly not violent – Yo Mama joke contest, he began to reach for his pistol. Although no one else knew, he was simply reaching for his weapon to put a bullet in his own head. With no possibility for a sequel unlike the Rocky and Rambo movies, and Cobra’s cold and desolate reality constantly caving in on any chances of him ever having a good time; you really can’t blame the guy. You can however blame him for sending Commando Arnie into full on Rampage mode as he then produced a machete, which he apparently brought with him to lunch and planted it squarely in Cobra Stallone’s head. The others stare down the situation as Cobra Stallone falls to the wayside. An eerie silence fills the air, which is soon disrupted by Conan Arnie like a fart at church – as he begins to rant and rave about things no one else can understand, but what is understandable is his reaching for a sword bigger than my body strapped to his back. Not to be outdone, in a very solemn attitude Terminator Arnie reaches for his shotgun as well, and so follows Rocky Stallone who produces a giant piece of meat… and no, I’m not talking about anything dirty with that one. This isn’t The Party At Kitty And Stud’s-era Stallone. Last but not least, and of course the most heavily armed of them all, is Rambo Stallone – who packs a weapon on every inch of his body, even in orifaces we’d rather not even discuss here. Most prominent however is his M-16, which he loads up in the blink of two eyes. The battle is ready to commence.
With one man down in the Stallone camp, the two remaining men quickly move to the offense, with Rocky Stallone throwing his giant slab of beef at Conan Arnie, who despite being a muscle god amongst men is unable to stop the monumentous slab of meat from hurling him to the ground. With Rambo Stallone slinging his rifle to his hip, Commando and Terminator Arnie hit the deck; leaving the unfortunate Beastmaster, crap, I mean Conan Arnie to fend for himself. Hate when I do that. Regardless, thanks to Rocky’s meat and a hefty helping of lead – Conan Arnie is taken out of this story with more holes in him than swiss. This leaves the teams on a fair playing field of two on two combat, but both rivals take a quick offensive measure hoping to cut their opponents in half. The team of Arnies, Commando and Terminator, decide to try and flank the Stallones, Rocky and Rambo, who are now hiding behind a box of crates that offer very little protection from any stray bullets… sadly this does not dawn on Commando Arnie whatsoever. With these two flanking, and the two Stallones quickly building an explosive device made up of chewing gum found on the concrete, a boxing glove and nine pounds of C4 Rambo Stallone just so happened to have on his body… somewhere. As Rambo laces up the wiring on the bomb, Commando Arnie jumps out from behind one of the crates protecting the Stallones. Rocky Stallone makes haste and dives between Commando Arnie’s legs as he runs forward towards the flailing Rambo Stallone. With Commando Arnie just a footstep away with his machete held up high, and Rambo Stallone having only his C4 laced boxing glove as his only form of protection he holds it high to prevent the ensuing blow from killing him easily. This however turns out to be a mistake, as the speed and ferocity of Commando’s strike comes burling down on the glove, which holds a fragment of metal on it’s cuff. The blade and the cuff make contact, causing an immense spark due to Commando’s strength (this dude carries trees around for fun need I remind you), creating a vast explosion that encompasses Commando Arnie, Rambo Stallone and Terminator Arnie as well. At first the only seeming survivor is Rocky Stallone, who lays limp yards away and is missing his right leg because of flying shrapnel from Commando Arnie’s skull. Like a flying bowling ball, Rocky Stallone’s tense flesh was just no match for it. All seems pretty much right in the world, with a fair and just winner.
Until… from the billowing smoke yards away from the now crawling Rocky… a metal exoskeleton crunches its way out of the flames. An assault rifle in hand, somehow miraculously surviving the flames and explosion unlike the flesh of the Terminator Arnie. Raising the rifle at his waist, as all truly amazing marksmen do, the Terminator Arnie seals Rocky Stallone’s fate… and a new king is crowned… for only a moment, as from out of nowhere a rocket propelled grenade comes bellowing through the sky and into the glowing red eye socket of the Terminator Arnie. This massive weapon of destruction belongs only to one man. Officer Francis Llewellyn ‘Ponch’ Poncherello, played by Television’s Erik Estrada. He and partner Jon Baker are back, and with their new film CHiPs II: Where’s The Dip – are on a warpath of chaos and destruction that will light the action film work ablaze.
Rocky Stallone: "Hey yo, like, ah, where’s the beef yo? IN YO FACE, yaknow?"
Terminator Arnie: "This humor does not process. You have failed."
Conan Arnie: "ANNNNHHHH! I have been trapped under the meat of a sabertooth! By the powers of grayskull I demand this beast be removed!!"
Erik "Ponch" Estrada: "Eat flames, you dinosaurs. We’ve come to kick the anus out of all those who oppose our star qualities, prepare for Sealab-esque justice delivered… with vengeance."
Jon Baker: "I’m just happy to have a job again…"
CRAP! Once again, a surprise victory. I swear I didn’t intend for this sort of thing to happen. I just get to writing, one thing leads to another and before long I’m watching reruns of Eureka’s Castle and no longer even paying attention to what is coming out of this keyboard machine in front of me. I apologize to all who read this expecting a fair and unique look at just who could win in this battle of titans. I am ashamed at my lack of an attention span and swear that when the next one rolls around, I…
PS: Wait… I know I was saying something. It was something, about something. I’m not sure, but I would kill to have some old He-Man tapes. Anyway, once again this is Josh Samford signing off and saying be hip, be square but don’t be what THEY want you to be. And THEY is the city council of Charleston… those freaks are always looking for butlers, pool boys and prostitutes – and I REFUSE to be anything other than a high class internet whore. Shelling out my words for the big bills, as evident by this month and my shilling of the new and soon to be classic CHiPs II, which I guarantee will give you an orgasm.