Q: The Winged Serpent (1982) – By Alexandra Bradley

In New York, the police are getting reports of a giant winged serpent flying over the tri-state area, and when detective Shepard (David Carradine) decides to investigate, he ends up at a museum where he learns of a feathered flying serpent named Quetzalcoatl, an Aztec god that was half bird and half reptile. Along with the bird, there also is a priest from the Aztec religion, convincing people to give up their lives for Quetzalcoatl by having their skin pulled off. After botching a robbery and being hit by a cab, Jimmy Quinn (Michael Moriarty) runs to his attorney’s office for help. An alarm is set and he runs to the roof while being chased by a security guard. Although he’s completely useless…he isn’t afraid of heights…so up he goes to the very top of the building. There he sees an opening on the roof and a giant egg, along with bodies that have been stripped to the bone. After discovering Q’s lair, Jimmy goes to his girlfriend’s house to rest. The people involved with the messed up diamond robbery come to his house to get the diamonds back. Jimmy lost them when the cab hit him but he tells the thugs that he stored them in a high-rise building and that he’ll take them there. So he takes them there…and Q eats them. When Jimmy gets arrested for the robbery he tells the cops he knows something very important. Something that could save a lot of lives! He knows the whereabouts of Quetzalcoatl, and he’ll be happy to hand over the information, but it’ll cost them…one million dollars.

Alright, this movie breaks the record. This is the quickest I’ve ever gotten bored in my life. When I wasn’t struggling to stay awake or looking at the clock, I was dying of boredom, and all this after only getting a mere fifteen minutes into the movie! One of the biggest problems is that the movie doesn’t really seem to make much sense. No respectable detective would think a winged monster was really flying over New York, let alone start researching it the minute he hears about it. The detective was also was unbelievably unprofessional. He threw pillows at a skinned body, rations that a man’s head became loose and fell off, and gets mad when someone asks him what happened at the scene of the crime. Both Detective Shepard and Jimmy Quinn were absolutely annoying. How I made it through the entire movie is amazing. I mean, every time they opened their mouths it killed me to listen to them. I really wanted to like this movie. Seriously, it was super campy and fun, but everyone in the movie except Q were obnoxious. What was the point of the movie? Was it supposed to be scary? Funny? Thrilling? Well it was none of those, for sure. I actually felt sorry for the monster in the end. I wanted her to eat every single one of those bad actors. I was, however, amused at the diamond shop’s name (“Neil Diamonds”). Anyway, if you want to know what it feels like to have your brain rot before your very eyes as you struggle to stay awake to the end of a movie then give this one a try. Trust me, if I wasn’t all about giving movies a chance, I would have shut this one off after the 15 minutes. For people who do like this movie, more power to you. If you can stand this, then you have a super high tolerance for bad movies. Congrats. Unfortunately, I don’t, so the jury is giving this flick…one star.