Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) – By Alexandra Bradley

There’s a problem on Mars. The children have child bodies, but adult minds. They have no fun and they watch Earth TV shows all day, while moping about. In Earth time, it’s the beginning of December and they watch an interview with Santa Claus. The chief alien, Kimar (Leonard Hicks), goes to the cave dwelling Elder who tells him that he needs to bring laughter and fun into the children’s lives. With that, Kimar takes a group of Martians and heads towards Earth to kidnap Santa Claus. They land in what humans call a “city” and sneak up on two siblings Billy (Victor Stiles) and Betty (Donna Conforti) and ask where they can find Santa Claus. “ The north pole of course!” they say. Kilmar is about to leave when Voldor (Vincent Back), a member of his crew, demands they take the children with them, otherwise they’ll tell everyone on Earth about them. Kilmar agrees and takes the children to the ship. When they arrive at the North Pole the children escape after they accidentally overhear the Martians plans to kidnap Santa Claus. Before they can warn the jolly old man, they get lost in –90-degree weather and chased by a man in a bear suit. Just when they think they’re safe; they’re apprehended by a robot. After stunning a few elves and Mrs. Claus, the Martians kidnap Santa Claus and take him and the children back to Mars with them. Will Santa and the children be able to escape or will Voldor have his way and dispose of them all?

The biggest problem I had with this movie is the title. Santa doesn’t conquer Martians in any way during this movie. He’s kidnapped, endures attempted murder, helps bring joy into the Martian’s mundane lives, and then leaves. The title was misleading. I was expecting a Rambo like Santa with guns, which kills and conquers Mars and put his new toyshop on Mars while making Martians his new workers (kind of like outsourcing). No, nothing like that. It wasn’t really boring for the most part. There were scenes that were way too long (like the Elder scene where he talks forever but never really gets to the point) and the acting was terrible, yet I didn’t get that feeling in my brain where it felt like it was melting. Only during the Elder scene and whenever Santa and the children laughed together. That was horrible. Forced laughing by children grates the nerves. In all, this movie gets TWO STARS. It was horrible in that “so-horrible-it’s-sort-of-amusing-in-a-crazy-kind-of-way.” Spare a few brain cells for this one.