Shadow’s Monster Survival Guide: The Blob – By Timothy Martinez

Name: The Blob

Monster Genus: Jello Carnivoro

Notable Appearances: The Blob (1958)

Height: With The Blob we finally happen upon a creature whose height is easily discernable – at least in the early stages of it’s life cycle. At first it is no bigger than the contents of a jar of grape jelly…and looks eerily similar to such preserves by the way. As it eats and grows larger in size, it’s height increases accordingly. The last known established height was probably around ten feet or so. However, given the lifeform’s very nature and it’s ability to stretch it’s mass quite far in any given direction, this means that it can most certainly attain a height far in excess of what it’s initial size may suggest. What does this mean for you? Well, depending on the size of the Blob encountered, it can mean a lot. A small Blob can be eluded momentarily by climbing a ladder (provided there is an escape route at the top of the ladder). Larger Blobs are harder to evade by climbing higher. Even the seemingly safe surroundings of a third story apartment won’t do you any good. The Blob will just stretch it’s way up to you. Go any higher and the Blob will just crawl up the side of the building to get to you. In fact, no matter the size of the Blob or the height scaled to avoid it, the monster WILL find it’s way up to you, so the best bet is to not flee in an upwards direction.

Weight: Naturally, the Blob’s weight will also increase as it eats more people and animals. What is amazing is just how fast this weight gain takes place. At a rate that would make members of Weight Watchers jump off bridges in despair, this thing really packs on the pounds. With every few meals it nearly doubles in size. Alas, given it’s nature, there isn’t a damn thing you can do physically to help yourself. If you try and wrestle it, your just gonna end up dissolving into a big pile of screaming goo. Setting any type of trap where it’s weight will contribute to it’s confinement will do no good either. Dropping it into a pit? Nope, it will just climb out.

Intelligence: 0/5 You’ve heard of dumb as a doorknob? This thing makes the doorknob look like an intellectual. Hell, even Paris Hilton resembles a Mensa member compared to this thing. Now that is dumb. The Blob has no brain or nervous system whatsoever. That tends to cut down on the intelligence quotient. Thus it knows no fear, no remorse and absolutely will not stop until you are dead! Sorry, I segued into Terminator territory for a second there, but the terms still apply. As an amoeba type life form, the Blob reacts to nothing but exterior stimuli. Stimulate it in the wrong fashion, which sadly is just about every fashion imaginable, and you will be quite dead, quite fast. So trying to trick the monster will almost never work, unless your trick is to throw your neighbor’s cat at it while you run away.

Description: No doubt you have eaten Jell-O. Well, that is what the Blob looks like. Whether it’s a small bowl full or the contents of an Olympic sized swimming pool gliding it’s way toward you, the critter resembles nothing so much as a tasty treat turned homicidal beast. Unlike Jell-O, the Blob can alter it’s size and still maintain cohesion. This means nothing but bad news for you. The larger it is, the more it can stretch out to block your escape. Plus, no matter what size it is, it can still squeeze it’s mass through the tiniest crack in order to reach you. Verily, thou art screwed.

Origin: The Blob was carried to Earth inside a meteorite, thus it originated somewhere in outer space. Whether it’s a naturally occurring life form, an alien science experiment gone horribly awry or the contents of an extra-terrestrial toilet flushed into space, we may never know.

Habitat: The Blob can live comfortably anywhere that is not freezing cold. That pretty much eliminates about ninety-five percent of the Earth’s surface as a hiding place. Thus, if a Blob gets loose and is not stopped, Eskimos will soon rule the Earth.

Behavior: Basically the Blob will do nothing but roll around and eat every animal or person it comes across. It doesn’t nap or indulge in any other activity. How it senses it’s meals is still a mystery as it has no sense of sight, hearing or smell. Still, it must perceive movement or sound in some fashion as such things have been known to garner it’s unwanted attention. An argument can be made that it is attracted to heat, but while that may be true, it still has some unknown method for differentiating between heat sources…otherwise lighting a big fire would be a sure fire (pun intended) way to get the Blob to move in a desired direction.

Special Abilities: Aside from the aforementioned ability to stretch or squeeze it’s mass, The Blob is also incredibly resilient. It appears that nothing short of a nuclear missile will kill it. Bullets, acid, electricity and scores of other methods have been used, and all have failed in harming it, let alone stopping it. Do yourself a favor and don’t even bother trying any of those. All it will do is waste precious time that can be used in a much more important endeavor: running like hell!

Weaknesses: The only known weakness the Blob has shown to date is an extreme aversion to freezing cold. It will not enter any environment where the temperature is at the freezing level or below. People have successfully hidden in meat lockers to evade the beast and so can you…just pack your thermal undies. In fact, if enough “coldness” is applied to the Blob, it will freeze right along side the closest pond and instantly become no danger whatsoever. Just don’t thaw it out! It’s frozen, not dead. While extreme heat has proven useless as a weapon, one must keep in mind that ultimately there will be a level of heat that will kill it – it is just, no one knows what that level may be.

Relatives: The Creeping Unknown (1955), X The Unknown (1956), The H-Man (1958), Beware! The Blob (1972)

What to do if you encounter: There really is only one thing you can do, and that is to run like hell. If dealing with a small Blob, you should fare well and manage to make good your escape. However, if you are trying to evade a bigger Blob, your chances decrease sharply as larger organisms will be able to pursue you better – up walls, through cracks and under doors. Running is always a good plan, but eventually you will have to stop…and a good place to stop is either a frozen food locker, the middle of an ice rink or a ski resort. Until you reach such a location the only viable weapon at your disposal is anything that produces extreme cold – fire extinguishers are the preferred choice, though ice cubes will work just as well when dealing with a smaller Blob. Hedge your bets and move to the arctic.