Slasher Writers – By Danny Runion

The popularity and marketing blitzes about Freddy and Jason has struck a nerve with many of the other slasher superstars. Michael Meyers is sick of the number of people that call him a 2-bit clone of Jason. Pinhead has been asked by far too many fans thinking that Freddy has had an industrial accident with a sewing machine. Those are only just a couple of the more famous examples. Michael, Pinhead, and several others have decided to strike back without starring in more movies like Freddy Versus Jason. Jason doesn’t quite have the education to compete in the field of literary warfare. While, no slasher star has decided to start railing against the dangerous of politics, it was quite a shock to realize the depth of knowledge these monsters possess.

*   *   *

Michael Meyers:

No parent should be without Michael Meyers’s book: Better Babysitting Through Mass Murder. This book definitely explains how to insure you get a proper babysitter by eliminating all drug and sex-crazed potential sitters in the area beforehand.


Pinhead has written a few previous books about body jewelry. However, his newest book Why Should Body Piercing All be on the Outside? has revolutionized the idea of stabbing oneself with rusty nails. The chapter about how the liver should be only pierced with brass rings will change the face of body piercing.


Space the Final Frontier for the Magically Endowed Vertically Challenged is the most popular book about anyone’s space travels from any non-astronaut. He has been thrown out of several book signings after threatening to shove his pot of gold so far up anyone to bruise the spleen of whoever asks when he will write a tour guide book about Ireland.

Tall Man:

The Tall Man has had so much experience with grieving families to finally write a book Stealing the Souls of the Recently Dead and Convert Them into Evil Midgets. This book is the only thing that anyone who has just suffered the loss of a loved one needs besides a quad-barelleled shotgun.

Dr. Herbert West:

People couldn’t believe that Dr. Herbert West, president of Mad Scientist University, would start writing children books. They were proven wrong by the immediate success of the Re-Animated Cat series including The Re-Animated Cat Goes to the Zoo, the Re-Animated Cat and the 7 Dwarves, and the Re-Animated Cat Goes to the Farm.

Ghost Faced Killer:

He has been desperately trying to prove that he is a real horror star by trying to mimic far more qualified and talented authors. At Least, I’m not the Fisherman Hooked Killer From the I Know What You Did has to be one the most inane pieces of writing outside of twitter. He also can’t stand the fact that so many unlicensed masks are sold at dollar stores across the country.