How many times have you sat through a movie and thought to yourself, ‘why the hell am I watching this thing?’, well, I do that about once a week, so that’s not a big issue for me. But, how many times have you sat yourself down to watch a movie and then about half way through fallen asleep? This is a rare occurrence in my life after spending years building up my bad movie immunity, so when it does happen, I know that the movie is truly a crappy movie! And that’s what I want to tell you about this time, movies that have put me into a cold, dead, honest to God, snoring so loudly I embarrass the people with me, sleep.
The first time I can remember this happening was when I took a date to see Flashdance. Now, this isn’t the kind of movie that did ever or would ever interest me, but when you’re a young man and a girl wants to do something, you’ll do that thing no matter how bad the pain! You remember Flashdance, the story of a steel town girl on a Saturday night, stripping at night, welding during the day? I’m sure you all remember. This is one of the biggest chick flicks of all time. The dancer whose forced to weld to make money, who wants to be a ballet dancer and isn’t given the chance because she’s seen as a welder not a dancer. Then at the end, she has her body double do a great dance and she gets to dance and what a feeling and all that stuff…you know the movie! And you guys out there, just admit it, when you’re in your teens and early twenties, if a girl told you that she thought it was sexy if a man had only one eye, you would’ve grabbed a fork and thought for quite a while about whether or not it would’ve been worth it. We’ve all been there and that’s how I found myself with a ticket to Flashdance in my hand. I think the conversation went a little something like this:
Brian – “Hey, you wanna do something this weekend?”
Sexy Lady – “Well, I was thinking about going to see that new movie, Flashdance.”
Brian – “Hey! I already have my tickets, and I bought an extra, you could go with me!”
Sexy Lady – “Ordinarily, I’d rather bite off one of my own fingers than be seen in public with you. But I really want to see this movie and if I can see it for free, I guess I can go with you, it’ll be dark in the theatre anyway.”
Brian – “Well, then, it’s a date!!!”
That may not be a verbatim account of the conversation, but it’s pretty close and it’s the reason why I went to see Flashdance. Now, there we are the theatre’s dark, I’m sitting next to my date, it’s the biggest date movie of the year and, I swear this is the truth, it was such a god-awful experience for me that I’m telling you I don’t think I fell asleep, I think my brain shut down to protect itself! But, in either case, there I was, sound asleep, snoring like a chainsaw massacre was going on in my chair and…remember this is true…drooling on my ‘date’.
Now, once you’ve been drooled on, you wouldn’t think that you would be easily persuaded to return on a date with the drooler, but, for some unknown reason, this girl went with me to see Flashdance again! I felt bad and apologized and invited her to go see the movie again, and then…again absolutely true…fell asleep! Now one time, I may have been tired, but twice, that’s just the movie’s fault, my friend! And that’s the story I’m sticking with.
But that’s not the only movie that has moved me to a nice nap. The original The Matrix was an amazing movie, everyone who saw it looked forward to seeing the completion of the trilogy, including me. So, there I was, in line to see The Matrix: Reloaded, happy, ticket in hand and ready for a fun movie. And what happens, I nearly break my damn neck nodding off, the thing is so horrible! This movie was so bad that I refused to pay any money to see the third part of the trilogy! I wouldn’t even rent the movie because I didn’t want them getting another penny from me. But, I will admit, when The Matrix: Revolutions came onto HBO, I recorded it. And, I was pretty happy that I recorded it, because it took me no less than four viewings to get all the way through it! I fell asleep over and over and over!! Now this the point in the article where the editor would love me to tell you a little bit about the movie, so here goes. Keanu Reeves flies in a space ship or something, and there’s machines and some city the humans are looking for and there’s a big battle scene and a guy that looks like George Carlin shows up and imparts some wisdom, that, in all honesty didn’t seem that wise. I honestly can’t remember what the sequels were about, they were so convoluted and horrible that my brain has deleted all information connected to them, it’s a safety mechanism that I’m thankful for! Let’s face the facts, these movies turned into such a mess that what began in the first movie as a cool look at how the internet is affecting us all, turned into some kind of weird let’s make a movie full of those great computer effects, so I don’t know what these movies were supposed to be about in the big picture because I kept falling asleep! Besides, not only was The Matrix: Revolutions one of the worst movies ever, it felt like one of the longest movies ever! And that’s why I feel that the Wachowski Brothers owe me some kind of monetary restitution, I lost about a week of my life sleeping through those two crappy sequels!!
Another movie that put me to sleep, didn’t start by putting me to sleep, it actually started by making me angry. The movie? The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy. The first part, The Fellowship Of The Rings made me angrier at a movie than I had ever been. I spent about two hours watching it, and then…NO ENDING! I know that it was in keeping with the books, but when I see a movie, I expect some kind of ending! I knew at the time that there were two sequels coming, the whole world knew that, but still, give me some kind of a wrap up! If you recall in the first movie, the end was the two hobbits walking over a hill and then the credits roll. I actually woke my wife up, who was asleep in another part of the house, yelling “What The F*&#!?!”, she rushed into the room, because she thought I had hurt myself, and I had, just not physically! I was just livid at wasting over two hours on a movie with no ending. Now, that’s not the bad part. The bad part comes about three years later when the whole trilogy comes to DVD, you see, if I went to the theatre to see these things when they were new, I’d never know what the hell was going on! I can’t be expected to remember how a movie ended a year later, and I’ll be damned if I have to go rent a DVD to try and refresh my memory before going to a new movie! So, I shrewdly waited until all three were on DVD to sit down and see this movie that everyone said was so spectacular. So, there I am with what turned out to be about ten hours of movie! Luckily, I waited until I was on vacation so I could sit and watch it all at one time…or, at least, that was my plan!
You see, these movies are soooo long that I defy anyone to sit through one of them without one doze! It took me about three days to get through these movies, not because they’re so long, but because they’re so predictable and dull, I kept falling asleep. I would rewind the movie to where I dropped off, and then…yep…I would doze off again. If you haven’t seen these movies, then you’re probably the only person in the free world who hasn’t. These movies are the story of a young hobbit who has to take a magic ring back to a volcano and get rid of it, because it’s magic will corrupt the whole world. The first part, The Fellowship Of The Ring is the story of the ring being given to Frodo Baggins and the beginning of the quest to rid himself of the ring. The second part, The Two Towers is about…well…it’s about three hours long and has a couple of tower in it. In the third part, The Return Of the King, I was pretty sure that at the end of the movie, the King would Return since that is the title of the movie! So, I wasn’t really surprised at the ending. And if I’m just watching a movie to watch the cool computer effects, I’ll save my money and buy the Star Wars trilogy, at least they’re not so damn long! And, as if to add insult to injury, not only did I fall asleep during each part of this damn long trilogy, at least once, my head fell backward while dozing and I nearly gave myself a concussion hitting my head on the wall behind my couch!! So now I feel like Peter Jackson may owe me some kind of monetary compensation because the last thing I needed was more brain damage!!
And those movies are just the tip of a large, sleepy glacier of movies that included a free ticket to the land of nod with the purchase of a ticket. There’s a list about a mile long and I really don’t have time for all of them, but since I feel that you need to warned about these sleeping pills on DVD here are some more with a quick thought about each:
Sleepless In Seattle – I was not so sleepless in the theatre.
When Harry Met Sally… – They met while I slept!
The English Patient – The doctor needed to prescribe a dose of No-Doz.
The Runaway Bride – I tried to run away, but fell asleep before I got to the end of the aisle.
Pretty Woman – I was told this was about a guy and a hooker, it was NOT the movie I thought it would be! I fell asleep before anything good could happen, if it ever did!
Steel Magnolias – All I remember from this movie was that I tried to stay until Julia Roberts died, but damn it, I couldn’t make it.
Waiting To Exhale – I exhaled a whole lot…it’s called SNORING!
Beaches – I thought this would be filled with chicks in bikinis, BOY, was I wrong! I was asleep before that windy wings song ever came up.
Dirty Dancing – Again, this isn’t about what I thought it was about, so not only did they put Baby in a corner, they put my head on my chest!
So there you have it, the best way to judge a movie is how well it holds your interest, and if you know me you know that my attention span is very short and if you don’t keep the story moving, you’re gonna lose me. And, I don’t think I’m alone in this, I think if the truth were told throughout this great land of ours the cry would go out, “You can make us laugh, you can make us cry, you can make us feel afraid, but please, dear God, just DON’T BORE US!”