Snuffin’ Zombies (2007) – By Duane L. Martin

 Snuffin’ Zombies is about a guy named Frank who’s broke and mentally deficient, and his autistic buddy Ralphie who he’s been friends with since childhood.  Frank is broke and Ralphie has dreams of getting his own horse rescue ranch someday.

The local bartender for whatever reasons has some connections with some really rich and powerful people, who are willing to pay three million dollars to anyone who’s willing to make them a snuff film with ten murders in it.  The bartender hooks Frank up with the gig, and in turn, Frank takes on Ralphie as his partner in crime.

They start making the films, but after the first couple Ralphie starts feeling guilty and gets a local voodoo woman to come in and bring the first guy they killed back to life.  Frankie comes in right after she completes her ritual and kills her, and then he and Ralphie leave, but it’s too late.  The first guy comes back as a zombie, and eventually makes zombies out of two of the other dead bodies, which eventually leads to Frank and Ralphie having a rather unpleasant ending.

I could go into more detail, but honestly, there’s no point.  I really don’t like giving bad reviews, but I have to be honest, and honestly, this is right up there with some of the most tedious, annoying and unbelievably boring films I’ve ever seen. This movie comes in at an hour and forty-four minutes long, but it’s so tedious that I actually had to watch it in sections just to get through it.

This film has so many problems, I don’t even know where to begin.  I guess I’ll start with the acting.  There are two types of bad acting.  There’s bad acting that’s actually good in a fun way, and there’s bad acting that makes you want to put a bullet in your own head to make the pain stop.  This film unfortunately had the latter.  The dialogue was so UNBELIEVABLY slow, plodding and pointless that I was tempted to just mute the thing and make a silent movie out of it.  It wasn’t just the line delivery either, it was a combination of that and the dialogue itself.  Every bit of dialogue in this film felt so completely awkward and off balance that it was just painful to listen to.

Then there’s the zombies.  If you’re going to get people to act in your film as zombies, at least get some people who can take it seriously.  They shouldn’t be smiling and trying to hold back a laugh when they’re supposed to be the living dead.

Then there’s the incredibly obnoxious rock music that’s used in the film.  Proper musical choices for your film are essential to creating a good experience for the viewer, and unfortunately, the music in this film just added to my desire to beat myself in the head with a sledge hammer.

Story-wise, this film was lame at best and poorly thought out.  It’s supposed to be a zombie comedy, and yet not a single bit of the humor in this film was the least bit funny.  I guess it might have seemed funny to them as they were making it, but whatever was funny during production didn’t carry over into the finished product.

As far as the zombies go, I’ve seen they didn’t really look much like zombies.  They looked more like people with a bad case of the flu.  There was a minimal amount of blood in this film, and obviously almost no effort was put into the effects.  The gunshots didn’t even sound like gunshots.  They sounded like someone popping a cap gun.

Editing.  Editing is a good thing.  You don’t have to include every bit of footage you shoot.  There was at least forty minutes of this film that could have been cut out without missing anything important.  This film had so many pointless, and pointlessly long and drawn out scenes that it made me wonder if they actually put any thought into the story or editing process at all.  This slowness was exascerbated even further by the slow and awkward line delivery.

Sound.  The dialogue levels in the film were generally ok and you could hear everything for the most part, but some of the scenes in the warehouse had an unbelievable amount of reverb / echo and it made the dialogue really hard, and sometimes impossible to understand.  In a situation like that, you should dub the dialogue in after the fact and add a slight bit of reverb to it so it sounds somewhat natual while still being understandable.

Lighting.  The lighting was actually ok, with almost all the scenes clearly visible.  There were only one or two shots I can think of that were a bit dark, but other than that it was ok.

I can say exactly one good thing about this film.  The company that manufactured the discs, Disc Makers, in Pennsauken, NJ, did a great job with the production and packaging.  Yeah, that’s about it.

Again, I hate to give bad reviews, but I have to be honest with my readers, and honestly, this is one you’ll want to skip.

If you’d like to find out more about this film, you can check out the film’s website at http://www.snuffinzombies.com.