Species III (2004) – By Mike Wilson

 I’ve become a lot more picky with how I use my time nowadays. That’s one of the reasons that Species III annoyed the living hell out of me. I’ve seen it at least twice before watching it for the review and I still find that I have to scour the IMdb just to fill in the blanks for the parts that were simply too boring to retain in memory.

Theres no beating around the bush, Species III is a bad, long, boring movie. They should have just let the entire franchise die off with Species II, which itself sucked ass. Granted I knew Species III was going to blow within the first ten minutes of the 1st time I saw it. Suspension of Disbelief was lost almost instantly. Eve’s (Natasha Henstridge) body is being collected by the government, in an unescorted military ambulance truck driven by 2… count ‘em 2, E-4s. Remember in the original Species Eve was created in this super tip-top secret lab? Remember how it was imperative that the fact that the government was tinkering with alien DNA be kept a secret? Well, those budget cuts must have been a bitch, because not only are there only 2 E-4’s (think corporal if you want an approximate rank) one of them is an obsessed college professor, Dr. Abbott (Robert Knepper), in disguise! The dumbass soldier with Abbott comments that he’s never seen him before and says something like “You come in from the reserves?”

*sigh* Please tell me that it doesn’t take any real knowledge of how the military works to realize how stupid that line is. Seriously, if the military were sent to retrieve, say a terrorist leader and move him to a secure location do you think they’d just send 2 corporals with no back up? No? Didn’t think so. So if they were trying to transport an alien hybrid that they want to keep hush hush don’t you think they’d, I dunno, send a freaking helicopter and several other guys and just make up some anthrax excuse? This movie has me pissed off already.

Abbott plans on stealing Eve’s body for study, which doesn’t seem like it will be too hard seeing how he’s only got one guy to deal with. It gets easier still when a fat kid, presumably an alien hybrid offspring from Species II (I’m hazy on that movie except for cliché’d “Brother can’t get no booty” stereotypical black guy in it) magically appears in the truck and kills the stupid guy. Eve somehow returns to life long enough to pump out a baby girl and Abbott absconds with it. Oh, and then Eve dies for real I guess to contractually fulfill Ms. Henstridge’s involvement in this turd. In his own secret lab in the basement of his house, Abbott raises the alien baby, which as we know from the first movie, grows to adulthood in a short time. Because Henstridge obviously washed her hands of the movie, we get Sunny Mabrey in all of her naked glory as Sara the alien babe. Abbott’s plans are to harvest her eggs and dink around with her DNA to create a perfect species and get a Nobel prize. At least I hope that’s what he wanted out of it, because I can’t think of any other good reason to create a species superior to humans that could potentially wipe us out. But then Abbott probably doesn’t have both oars in the water, because he has a rant in one of his classes about how mankind has no right to eliminate smallpox effectively destroying another species. Yeah, ‘cause even harmful and fatal diseases have rights and feelings y’know.

No crackpot scientist should be without an Igor of some sort, so Abbott manages to enlist the aid of Dean, a grad student who you won’t buy for a second as a brilliant scientist. Well, maybe you will because in Direct to Video movies all graduate students that are integral to a mad scientist’s plot look like chippendale’s dancers. Dean is reluctant to go along with Abbott at first, but has a change of heart big enough to allow him to hide the body of his department director after Sara kills him. Theres more troubles too, since the previous alien hybrids (from Species II I assume) need to find and mate with Sara to continue their species. They’re dying because of the DNA problems that Sara doesn’t have. Of course they’re willing to kill anyone that gets in their way. (like stupid rednecks that like to have sex is nasty gas station bathrooms…well, at least he got laid first) Since Michael Madsen isn’t in this flick we only get one…count him….ONE government agent guy trying to track down the alien. ONE. Yep, those budget cutbacks really squished our ability to protect ourselves from hostile, marauding aliens.

Man, this movie is making me tired. It shouldn’t even exist. The only reason to even think about seeing it is to get a glimpse at Sunny Mabrey’s breasts, and hell, they weren’t all that great. Species III is almost 2 hours long and theres nothing in it to deserve that much run time. Its plodding, boring and mome of the characters have the charisma to make it worth watching them. You’ll forget their names….you’ll forget who is supposed to be doing what….heck, you might fall asleep in the middle of it….(I did). This is the kind of movie that can only be made by the desire to continue a franchise despite the fact that the franchise is all dried out. If this review were in the Inferno the DVD would be on fire right now.

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Rogue Reviewers Roundtable Topic: Mad Scientists

Mike’s Review Site: Dante’s Inferno