Splatter Beach (2007) – By Brian Morton

 Twenty years ago, the Polonia Brothers brought us Splatter Farm, a movie that, until recently, I considered to be, probably, the worst movie ever made. I say, until recently, because Camp Motion Pictures recently released an updated version of the movie that I actually enjoyed! Well, here we are 20 years later, and the Polonia’s are still at it, this time with Splatter Beach!

Splatter Beach is an homage to those classic ‘beach horror’ movies from the past, movies like The Horror Of Party Beach, and the Polonia’s have really captured that spirit here. Splatter Beach is a simple story of a trio of young people, Rodney, Rupert and Tonya, who are looking for a little fun on the beach, well Rodney and Tonya are looking for fun, Rupert has decided that the beach near them is dangerous. It seems that he’s been doing some research and a lot of people in the area have gone missing and the fish seem to have disappeared too, so Rupert has made it his mission to find out what is going on. And, it turns out (not surprisingly) that Rupert is right, there are monsters in the ocean off the coast that are dragging people into the deep and eating them. Now, when the monsters come onto land, it’s up to Rupert, Tess (played by Erin Brown) and a local bodybuilder to send them all back to the briny deep!

Splatter Beach is exactly what a ‘beach horror’ movie used to be. There’s not a ton of logic involved, the idea of the movie seems to just sit back and enjoy the hopelessly cheesy ride! The addition of Erin Brown (formerly Misty Mundae) and Erika Smith to the cast bring this up a notch from Splatter Farm…but it has been 20 years, both ladies are beautiful and very talented, and add to the fun and camp of the movie. I’m giving Splatter Beach three and a half out of four cigars, and it only lost a half a cigar because the ending seemed a little like it was tacked on to me. Other than that, Splatter Beach is just a fun beach movie! You can check it out for yourself by heading over to the Camp Motion Pictures web site and get a copy for yourself! So, until next time, when I’ll be once again diving into the ocean of B movies and coming back with whatever sticks to me, remember that the best movies are bad movies.