Splatter Farm (1987) – By Brian Morton

 I have a confession to make, whenever someone asks me what’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen, I usually answer, Splatter Farm. Now, I’m telling you this because, since the early 90s, I’ve seen this movie twice and both times I was completely unimpressed and even actively annoyed with it. Now, that being said, I just got the ‘cult classic edition’ of Splatter Farm and my initial reaction was one of shock and horror, because I wasn’t sure that I could actually sit through this movie a third time! Well, in all honesty, I’ve never turned away a movie before and, since this version is a newly remastered edition, I plugged it into the DVD player and sat down with more than the requisite amount of pessimism, and, you know what, I was more than pleasantly surprised!

First, the story, here it’s pretty basic, two brothers travel to visit their aunt at a remote farm. Their aunt lives there with her son, Jeremy, who’s more than a little strange, you see Jeremy enjoys killing things, and he’s not to particular what the things are, as long as they’re alive and he can kill them, and Aunt Lacey isn’t much better. The brothers soon realize something is very wrong at the farm, but by then, it’s too late to do anything but suffer and die!

The issues I’ve had with this movie in the past are mostly technical, but other cuts of the movie were so very bad that it rendered the movie almost unwatchable…well, not almost, it was very unwatchable. But, Camp Motion Pictures, the champion of these direct to video 80s gems, has given the Polonia brothers the time and budget to edit the movie in a more up to date manner, and, with the renewed sound and the smoother audio track, the movie isn’t as bad as I once thought, in fact, besides being an obvious first movie, which itself brings problems that I can easily overlook, Splatter Farm is now a movie with a Texas Chainsaw edge and a fun spirit all it’s own.

If you had asked me a week ago what the worst movie I’ve ever seen is, I would have said, Splatter Farm, but now, after the remastering, I can see that the problem wasn’t really the movie, it was the inferior version of the movie that I’d been handed time and time again. I’m giving Splatter Farm three out of four cigars, because, despite some problems, this is still a very fun, direct to video movie and is really typical of the spirit of indie film. May I offer my apologies to the Polonia brothers for the years of siting their movie as the worst I’d ever seen, Splatter Farm may not the best movie I’ve ever seen, but after seeing the filmmakers original vision, it’s far from the worst, and I have to give credit to them for going out to the edge of horror. You can check Splatter Farm out for yourself by going to the Camp Motion Pictures web page, you can also get a ton of other great remastered direct to video movies from the era too, it’s really a gold mine over there! So, until next time, when I’ll have to pick a new ‘worst movie I’ve ever seen’ and I’m leaning toward Speilberg’s A.I Artificial Intelligence, remember that the best movies are bad movies.