Stalking Hand: A Scary Movie (2005) – By Jordan Garren

 It seems to me that the horror/comedy is becoming quite popular amongst independent film makers as of late. What is causing this surge in comedic horror film? I don’t know. What I do know is that Stalking Hand: A Scary Movie is one of the best of this particular sub-genre that I’ve had the chance to see lately. Stalking Hand opens with a young couple sitting alone in a truck on a moonlit Halloween night. The boyfriend wants a kiss from his girlfriend, the daughter of a minister, and a total prude. The boy makes an advance on her and accidentally rips open her shirt (revealing her breasts). Though he apologizes and sincerely feels guilty over the mishap, he pays the price for his lustful attack. Daddy’s little girl runs home and claims that her boyfriend tried to touch her without her approval. In a holy rage, her priestly father grabs a chainsaw, tracks down the young man, and lops off his hand, which continues to live on and murder the minister and his daugther.

The movie skips ahead a year later and we get to meet the cast of characters that we’ll be spending time with for the next hour or so. There’s Cassandra, a cute, ditzy blonde and her equally stupid boyfriend, Kenneth. Then there’s Kiki (girl of my dreams), Cassandra’s vastly smarter friend (and raging alcoholic) and her stupid boyfriend Derek. The two girls are fed up with their vaguely homosexual boyfriends, so the guys decide to throw their hot babes a Halloween party. Cassandra’s cousin Mindy (a.k.a. Morgana) will be in town on All Hallow’s Eve, so to get back into their girlfriends’ good graces, Derek and Kenneth have to find a date for the goth princess from hell. They settle on poor Delman, a local loser who has absolutely no chance of ever getting laid. Once Halloween rolls around, the three couples get together and have their little party and that’s where the movie begins to really…. drrrraaaaggg.

You’d think that a film about a killer disembodied would showcase its star attraction on a frequent basis, but unfortunately, said killer hand doesn’t appear until the final act of the movie! The hand is brought about after Mindy… I mean Morgana… I mean… Mingana (?) and Delman are locked in the basement. Angry that they’ve been excluded from the party because of their outcast status, Mingana calls upon her dark lord Satan to send her a killer disembodied hand. Mingana then uses the hand to kill everyone in the house in all sorts of odd and usually funny ways. (Kiki, the love of my life finds sanctuary in a bathroom and lets loose a huge fart, when suddenly the killer hand shows up and sets her fart aflame, thus burning the black-haired beauty to a crisp.)

At the end of the movie, two bumbling police officers show up but one of them has a surprise for Mingana’s evil hand. Since Mingana can’t call off the murderous body part, the main cop, who happens to be "the son of the King of rock n’ roll," turns into an Elvis clone and battles the demonic hand! (No I didn’t just make that up, this is actually what happens at the end of the film! It’s right on par with the twist ending from Rock N’ Roll Nightmare!) The Son of Elvis wins out and the movie ends on a happy note. (But man, I’m still reeling from that ending!) Now, after the hellacious experience of watching (and reviewing) Death Reaper, this movie was a welcome change. Stalking Hand though slow at times, keeps a relatively good pace, and features some gorgeous young starlets and some nifty special effects as well.

The acting in the film is better than I had anticipated and the cast seemed to be having a fun time with the film’s subject matter. Stalking Hands boasts three gorgeous gals that I just have to give a shoutout to. First off is Danielle Krull who played Kiki, I just thought she was hot as hell and did a great job as a bitchy lush. (Danielle, there’s a cold beer here with your name on it, just to let you know. 😉 Lori Morsch played Cassandra in the film and did a fine job as Kiki’s ditzy friend. Though she has a scene in a bathtub, the mountains of bubbles cover her up so we don’t get to see any of her goods. The only actress that gives us horny men-folk a reason to hit the pause and rewind buttons is Emily Arner who played the minister’s daughter in the opening of the movie. She actually turns in a pretty crazy performance and shows us that daddy’s heavenly little girl is actually a demented psycho. It’s kind of weird to see her turn from prude into a violence-craving lunatic, so kudos to you Emily!

The special effects in Stalking Hand are actually pretty good. Some computer effects are used to create flames in a few scenes, as well as the electricity that fries Cassandra in the bathtub. The rest, as far as I could tell, was all accomplished with a green screen and some nifty makeup effects. There are a few times when you see the killer hand floating in midair, and you can just faintly make out the outline of the "hand actor" under (probably) a big green blanket. That just adds to the film’s overall campiness and fun factor, as do some of the deaths in the film. Cassandra is electrocuted in the bathtub, Kiki is blown up after her own fart is lit on fire, Kenneth has a baseball embedded in his skull ("They killed Kenneth! You bastards!"), Delman’s skull is invaded by the hand which causes it’s fingers to protrude out of his face, and Derek gets stabbed repeatedly after a "hand-to-hand" battle with his demonic attacker.

Stalking Hand is a fun little flick that follows in the footsteps of films like The Crawling Hand, Idle Hands, and Evil Dead II, and its only crime is that the "stalking hand" from the title gets so little screen-time. If you’re looking for a fun film with a ridiculous premise, hot girls, and a killer hand, then by all means pick up a copy of director Lou Vockell’s Stalking Hand: A Scary Movie. The DVD is currently unavailable (but will be released soon) but here’s what you can expect when it is released: The film is presented in 16:9 widescreen with Dolby Digital stereo sound and features three photo galleries of the film shoot. For further information about this movie and to find out when it’s finally being released to the public, visit www.onemanfilmindustry.com! Oh and before I forget, when you watch this film, keep an eye out for Lou Vockell’s cameo as a drag queen with giant (balloon) breasts! Yikes!