The B-Movie Horror President and His Cabinet – By Danny Runion

With the way politics has been beaten over all are heads for the past few months, I thought it should be time to do something a bit different. With the midterm elections starting to be thrown at us, people are pretty sick and tired of the election. Quite a few political signs for local candidates have started popping up in neighbors’ yards. As political commercials start to overrun radio and television, you just get sicker and sicker about it. Well, close your eyes and imagine a new world. How a world would be different with another President and cabinet? Outside the realm of possibility, Frederick Kreuger is President.

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President – Freddy Kreuger

People disgusted with typical politics finally turned to alternative candidate. The smear tactics of accusing Freddy’s crimes that led to his lynching backfired against his opponents who were shocked by his famous "Thousand points of knives in my enemies" and "Welcome to Prime Time" speeches that truly inspired the American populace to embracing the scarred and knife-gloved one. President Freddy Kreuger was able to begin to inspire most of the country to think of him more than a flash in the pan. With his many contacts, he established a cabinet of many greatly-qualified and under-appreciated nominees.


Vice President – Tall Man

Vice President Tall Man has had a number of setbacks with the American population continuing to see him more as a place mat than an actual leader. A number of protestors would ridicule him for hanging around with extra-dimensional midgets that steal towns of corpses. Many late night hosts quit making jokes after a few of their careers dived lower than Chevy Chase as a late night talk show host in the mortuary thanks to Tall Man.


Secretary of State – Pinhead

With his elegant vocabulary of such expressions about "how your tears are a waste of perfectly good suffering," how can you not picture how Pinhead would be able to negotiate treaties or confer with Secretary Voorhees to handle other state crises? He may have a difficult time going through metal detectors at airports but is able to definitely to negotiate far better treaties such as the one that enabled off country military bases for the cost of a small Chinese puzzle box.


Secretary of the Treasury – Leprechaun

With the dangers in today’s stock markets, a certain shillelagh-wielding individual is the best bet. Could anyone insure better safety of the American economy than the Leprechaun especially the way he watches out for his own gold? The Leprechaun managed to avoid the negative publicity from his Las Vegas trip and even claimed he did not inhale in the hood.

Attorney General – Maniac Cop

Any legal problems of the system would best be solved by this former police officer who understands the weaknesses in the system after being framed for several felonies before actually committing numerous felonies. Attorney General Maniac would enforce laws to the point Frank Castle would say "you need to calm down." However, Mr. Maniac will just keep enforcing the law for he is the law until Judge Dredd takes over.

Secretary of the Interior – Jupiter from the Hills Have Eyes

Jupiter has spent much of his life in rural areas. This has given him quite a love of open spaces and knowledge of nuclear testing grounds, too. Jupiter appointed Leatherface as an undersecretary to handle the areas in the Southwest that teenagers might run out of gas and handle them with his special chainsaw-tacular fashion.

Secretary of Agriculture – Scarecrow

Could anyone know more about the issues of contemporary farmers than one who spent years in a field being picked apart by crows? Secretary Scarecrow like most Americans was tired of the all the recalls of vegetables and fruits. He had an idea of hanging distributors in fields for selling diseased produce.

Secretary of Commerce – Amityville House

This house may have a hard time traveling the country on its own without sending cursed lamps as its proxy. However, this house understands the interest rate on home loans far better than any tax lawyers would. With the recent mortgage meltdown, the Amityville House has felt the pain of real estate market more sharply than Scatman Crothers felt Jack Nicholson’s axe in the Shining.

Secretary of Labor – Chucky

With the American labor force disgusted by the number of jobs being moved out of the country, Secretary Chucky’s experiences with Good Guy toys give him a deeper understanding of the working grasp of labor than the previous Secretaries of Labor.

Secretary of Defense – Jason Voorhees

It was discovered most enemies of the country weren’t able to endanger the US after President Kreuger would point out to Mr. Voorhees that said country had a number of summer camps with drug-taking teen-aged counselors. Voorhees would take care of the encampment easily thanks to his incredible regenerative abilities and quite ruthlessly after discovering there were no teens there to slaughter.


Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Candyman

Mr. Candyman’s unique experiences with urban housing project of Cabrini Green give him a better grasp of how to handle project housing than anyone else.

Secretary of Transportation – Christine

Some people would think a car that was crushed wouldn’t survive. However, they don’t realize that "Rock and Roll Will Never Die." A 1958 Plymouth Fury must be the greatest choice to guide road construction along and develop how to increase fuel efficiency for vehicles. With the higher gas prices, Christine hasn’t been able to get an I-pod installed to play those hip and swinging 1950s rock and roll songs as she runs over jaywalkers.


Secretary of Energy – Electro

The energy crisis has been getting more and publicity over the past couple of years. President Kreuger realized he would have to go out of more known contacts to find the best choice. He may have been beaten and battered by a certain webcrawler for years; Max Dillon still is Electro the human dynamo capable of generating massive amounts of electricity.

Secretary of Health and Human Services – Doctor Giggles

With his degrees from Frankenstein Institute for Science and Horror and a glowing recommendation from Dr. Herbert West, Dr. Giggles has begun implementing a new program to help promote health through survival of the fittest. Surgeon General Giggles also has many projects to study various diseases mainly to the most incompetent medical practitioner and the main reason for malpractice insurance is now the Surgeon General.

Secretary of Education – Michael Meyers

Mr. Meyers has quite a rapport with teenagers and understands their problems especially as how they refer to ancient Druid practices. He will also insure that school test grades will rise or he’ll take care of the school himself. If a white-faced William Shatner mask can’t convince anyone to study harder for better grades, nothing will.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs – Uncle Sam

Though his previous experiences of brutally murdering anyone he felt wasn’t patriotic enough could be considered a blot on some people. For him, it is a badge of honor and distinction.