The Crappies 2006 – The Aftershow Party – by David Stephenson

 And so last month we humble folk here at Rogue Cinema decided it was about time we held a virtual awards ceremony of our own, given the hilariously tragic and mind-numbingly dull state those so-called ‘real’ awards are in. The event was a huge success, with the categories and winners being published here on Rogue Cinema’s prestigious December issue. Names were named, celebrities shamed and reputations dragged through the mud. And it was bloody fun too.

The highlight of last month’s proceedings was perhaps the Crappies Lifetime Achievement Award, the one award where we wise Rogues allow you the common filth to choose the name of the most dastardly of disgraceful actors. Who should win this year’s lifetime achievement award? Who has brought the most movie disgrace? You voted, you chose, your voices were heard and counted, and we’re proud to announce the winner of our Lifetime Achievement Award is…

Drumroll please…

The Crappies Lifetime Achievement Award 2006: Dolph Lundgren!!!

That’s right people. Out of all the worthy names listed, you chose the Swedish gargantuan muscle-head as your champion, as the most worthy to have their name up in lights for an eternity here in our hallowed hall of shame. And very worthy he is too – it’s quite easy to see why The Dolph was chosen, considering this waxy douche-bag’s continuing onslaught on the world of movies. First coming to fame in Bond flick A View To A Kill, Dolph has since gone on to grace our screens in such classics / schlock-fests as Rocky IV, Universal Soldier, Bridge Of Dragons and the up-and-coming / soon-to-be-forgotten Rocky Balboa (vomiting its way onto your screens right… about… now.) Playing roles ranging from evil Russian boxers (Rocky movies) to evil Russian soldiers (Red Scorpion) he’s dazzled us all, especially in the latter movie, which boasts quite possibly the highest body count of any film, ever. Seriously, the man’s a one-man genocide in that flick.

Dolph’s stagnant rape of modern film is all the more surprising, given his colourful background. Born and raised in his native Sweden (ironic, considering that country’s main export is cheese) he showed an early interest in music and the fine arts, excelled in chemical engineering in which he got an honours degree. He then got bored of all that self-improvement nonsense and decided on a career kicking the living crap out of people. Nice. Thus unfolds the Dolph we all know and love, as he trained hard and became a champion Karate expert. (As to why he hardly ever utilized these kickass techniques in his films is unknown. Perhaps he got bored of all the running about and decided strolling around, shooting people in the face was a safer option.) While not kicking ass and taking names, Dolph also showed the world his more fluffy side by appearing in a never-ending barrage of sweaty topless pictures. (This unfortunately did carry through to his movies, most of which he spends with his pulsating man-boobs unleashed, often looking as though he’s been laminated.)

So we salute you, senor Dolph, the 2006 king of crap, the man of the hour – you deserve this accolade, for ever body felled, for every bullet fired, for every crap line muttered, for every second of disgrace you’ve brought to the world of film. Viva La Dolph!

Some additional awards now, for your amusement, dear reader…

The Bullet In The Head Award 2006: Keanu Reeves.

There could be no other winner for this award, could there? Well done Keanu, you’ve made us all proud. This is the Crappies award for the person most deserving of 9mm of jilted metal to the face. Over and over again. Imagine the scene – you have one bullet, clear line of sight, and full diplomatic immunity, who would you shoot? Who would you save mankind from? I’m willing to bet more than a few of you uttered Keanu’s name, possibly the with the same resentment as Martin Scorsese at the Oscars.

Keanu; the man with the silliest name in Hollywood history, the man who’s taken the movie world by storm despite having the acting ability of a dying worm on a hook. Ever since the Matrix Trilogy smashed, crashed and wiped its ass with the box office records, Keanu’s face has been on the cover of every magazine, on every billboard, on every celebrity chat show and on the minds of a young generation. Good. Because the more this man is in the public imagination, the more his dramatic ineptitude comes to light.

Let’s break it down, performance by performance. First there was Johnny Mnemonic, in which Keanu walked around a hellish future world looking morose and grumpy, eventually saving the day. Then came Speed, in which Keanu jumped on a bus, wearing an alarmingly sweaty vest, saving all those passengers while looking morose and grumpy. The Watcher; knives, guns, car chase, James Spader looking like a baffled dickhead, and ol’ Keanu looking morose and grumpy. The Gift? Keanu. Beard. Morose and grumpy. The Matrix: trenchcoat, guns, spinning, guns, spinning, kicks, spinning, guns, spinning, and this time Keanu… erm… saves the world while looking morose and grumpy. The rest of the trilogy, more of the same, but with extra-large helpings of the morose and grumpy.

How about Something’s Gotta Give? Jack Nicholson looking sweaty. Diane Keaton looking like she’d OD’d on Valiums. Oh, and don’t forget our friend Keanu, who looked morose and grumpy. Constantine? The morose and grumpy ghost hunter. Played by Keanu looking exactly the same as always, cast despite John Constantine being blonde and English in the comic books. Alrighty then.

I won’t even go near A Scanner Darkly. You can see where I’m going with this, surely?

Oh, and his middle name’s Charles. That’s just the icing on the cake, isn’t it? And if not, how about the 19 year old nutbag psycho Josh Cooke who murdered folk with a shotgun. Who did the authorities blame for this kid’s warped state of mind? Keanu Reeves and The Matrix. I kind you not, click here for proof. Thanks Keanu. This one’s for you.

The Hot Tip For 2007: Black Sheep

Just before we wrap things up here folks, you gotta check this film out – Black Sheep, surely the most amazing film of this new year. The synopsis, for instance: “An experiment in genetic engineering turns harmless sheep into blood-thirsty killers that terrorize a rural town in New Zealand.” Oh hell yes. “40 million sheep in New Zealand – and they’re hungry!”

Oh yes. Flesh eating sheep. Surely what the world of film has been waiting for? Find out more about this impending classic by clicking here.

Until next year then…