The Gospel of the B-essiah – By Duane L. Martin

Author’s Note: I have a lot of references in here to various things both b-movie related and not. See how many you can pick out and figure out where they’re from.


So the other day I was talking to my buddy Jordan, when all of a sudden I heard coach Klein yelling something about losing his manhood and a baseball flew through my window and cracked me right in the head. Well when I came to, I wandered around in a daze for a while, eventually finding myself kneeling in front of my DVD collection. Like a flash of inspiration from the heavens, I had a sudden urge to dig around under my collection, and tears filled my eyes when I discovered the lost pages of the B-ible. This sacred text, lost for untold centuries, prophecized the coming of the B-essiah, and tells us of the glory that will lead to his coming.

Written below are some quotes from the lost book of the B-ible. I won’t provide the entire text here as I plan to form a church around this newly found testament and charge people about tree fitty…that’s three…FIVE O…to buy a copy. The first twenty people to order will get a signed copy of the B-ible that’s been personally autographed by the Loch Ness Monster. Order today, and you’ll also receive The Book of Corman. It’s a companion to the B-ible, and another testament of the gospel of the B-essiah.

So what does the B-ible teach us? Here are just a few samples from it’s holy pages…

"The B-essiah will present himself in many forms. Thou shalt know him not by appearance, but by deed. He shalt raise the dead and then fight against them. He shalt do battle with abominations who art small in stature, yet weigh the full measure of a man. With words of wisdom he shall warn his deciples of impending doom, yet they shalt not heed his words. These are but some of the many signs of the B-essiah. Heed the signs, and serve our lord and savior, whatever form he may take, as serving him is the only true path to enlightenment."

"Feareth not the incarnations of evil known to man as Deadites, for the B-essiah shall wield the weapon of the gods against them. While the true name of this weapon shall forever be secreted to the inquisitive minds of mortal man, some claim to have heard the B-essiah refer to his mighty staff as a ‘boom stick’."

"Thou shalt not layeth eyes upon the incarnation of evil known as Manos, for his Hands of Fate can weave a powerful magic that will layeth down even the heartiest of men and drive them into a dark and uneasy sleep."

"Beware the demon Reptilicius. He who flyeth, and yet flyeth not."

"Flee far from those who would grant you wishes, for no good things shall come of it."

"In the latter days, many vampires shall walk upon the Earth. At first they shall be feared, but as time passes, they will become less fearsome and eventually will be looked upon by mortal man not through the trembling eyes of fear, but instead with the passive eyes of disdain."

"He whosoever shall layeth eyes upon the Agony Booth shall surely burn in hellfire."

"In the end times, many signs will reveal themselves unto you. The first sign of the Apocalypse shall be tales, long told and accepted as gospel suddenly being re-told and changed for unknown reasons. The second sign shall reveal itself as a plague of well known persons espousing the false religion of Scientology. The third sign will be that of a man who reduced himself in size by consuming many sandwiches. And the fourth and final sign shall be when the many incarnations of the B-essiah are held from winning their final battles against the forces of evil by those who would find profit in their undoing. Eventually, the B-essiahs many incarnations shall become aged and unable to complete their tasks, and it is at this time that all of mankind shall endure untold sufferings until a new B-essiah is born unto this land."

You may notice that the signs of the end times are already upon us. Our only hope is that one day soon, a new B-essiah will take form and walk among us, saving us from the evil that plagues our very existence and feasts upon the souls of mortal man.

You can help the B-essiah fend off this evil and help us spread the gospel of the B-ible by sending in your tax-deductable donation today. You can also help by getting out there spreading the gospel of the B-essiah far and wide until there is not one among us who is left in darkness.