The Unfortunate Life of Georgina Spelvin Chained to a Radiator (2014) – By Loida D. Garcia



The rage is strong in me on this film….On a normal film I review I can watch it, jot down my thoughts during the film, and then come back and write the review later on.  Not so with this one, I wanted to get my hands on the keyboard while the rage was/is still strong in me…

“The Unfortunate Life Of Georgina Spelvin Chained To A Radiator” is just that.  The title tells you everything there is to know about what little actual story is in this “film” (quotations are being used because as I will explain in a short few moments, this is a porno and NOT an actual film….two completely DIFFERENT categories!) (And by the way, are you sure you didn’t just want to go ahead and have a whole paragraph for your title!?!?).

We open up on a horrible actress who is supposed to be representing an immigrant, she’s holding a child’s doodle page (WHICH KEEPS BLOODY SHOWING UP AT EVERY CHANCE AS A “CHAPTER” TITLE PAGE BACKGROUND!!!!), who ends up being kidnapped because she doesn’t have a bloody brain cell in her body (don’t worry, NOT a spoiler…. all of that is already in the title).  Queue the beginning of all the ridiculous “chapter” title pages.  Next we see Georgina handcuffed (the title tricked you on this one because no chains were used!) to a radiator…topless (I’m sure the audition process consisted of “now show me your tits”) while the worst computer voice narrates the entire film (you mean to tell me that not one of you associated with this film could have narrated?  Hell, you couldn’t sucker any of your friends into narrating it with the payment of a free boob show!?!)…Digressing, bigger fish to fry….

From there we are watching a literal porno.  Hell, a wanna be snuff film!  

If for whatever reason any of you reading this and care to watch this (other than to whack your monkey because snuff style porn is your fetish) and you don’t want the “film” spoiled then stop reading because the rest of this review will be a play by play spoiler of this “film”.

The entire rest of the film is her being cuffed to this radiator, being forced to pee on herself, forced to masturbate herself, then forced to masturbate the guy that we are all seeing this through the eyes of.  Cue the worse money shot in history, and then she’s killed.  I wasn’t kidding when I said it was a wanna be snuff film.  The only reason I won’t fully call it snuff is because the acting and effects were/are so horrible that you can tell it was fake!!!

My thoughts as I watched this:

●    Longest title ever
●    Are you sure you didn’t want to make the title a paragraph?!  DAMN!
●    Looks bad
●    Sounds like a computer is narrating the movie.  NOT GOOD!
●    The acting is horrendous!!!
●    Cute dress though…
●    Not the way someone who doesn’t want to be seen sexually would normally dress though…
●    First Person?  REALLY!!?!?!  What is this, a video game?!?!?
●    Just an excuse to have nudity!
●    WTF!?!?
●    At least it’s not in black and white…
●    Someone unplug that damn computer that keeps talking…
●    If I see that stupid drawing one more time I’m going to rip it to shreds…
●    What is the point of having her topless???
●    Perverts….I feel bad for the actress…
●    So let me get this straight….you used up a roll of tape to shut her up just to take it off?  You really have no plot to this do you?
●    You can try to sell this to a fetish porn site somewhere.  I’m sure someone will be into this.
●    I’m not a prude by any means but come on!
●    If this is the type of film you want to make then submit it to the right sites for this genre.
●    This is disgusting!  And not because it’s porn (I enjoy porn from time to time, as most individuals), but because the makers of this “film” actually thought this was a “film”.
●    Are you serious!!!  A FUCKING MONEY SHOT!?!?
●    Note to the makers of this film…. Take some time to study how money shots actually look!  You may even enjoy your study sessions and you can find some great resource materials online for free.  NO MONEY SHOT LOOKS THE WAY YOU PRESENTED IT!  That looked more like icing from a cinnamon roll than cum….and if for whatever ungodly reason (I hate to think that there may actually be a chance of this but anything is possible) if this was a real money shot….please oh please start drinking water!  That’s a sign of horrible dehydration….you may want to see a doctor…
●    There’s a part of me that wants to go all Dexter on everyone involved with this film…*tries to calm down the beast….*

I will end my review with this thought…

The only reason I have torn this to shreds is because it was presented as an actual “film” when it is a porn.  As a porn I will admit that I have watched worse quality and acting before (not by much, but still…).  My advice to the director and producer of this “film” is to submit it to a few fetish sites.  There is a large underground group of individuals who are into this type of porn and you may end up with a pretty penny.  But please, by no means consider this an actual film because it is not.  If this is the style you enjoy then submit and market it in the right areas and groups.  If instead what you want to do is make “films” then please reconsider your style a bit.  There are ways to tell the same story (and title the same story) without it ending up as a porn….

My Personal Review:

Rating Scale:  Movie Theatre, Redbox Rental, or Skip It — SKIP IT!

Cheese Factor:  Vegan (no cheese), Taleggio, Limburger, Stinking Bishop — Stinking Bishop! (Pass on the clothespin)