Trouble Down East (2015) – By Loida D Garcia

How I could go from reviewing an amazing movie to having to review “this” is beyond me.  This review is going to have to be another list one.  A list of everything I thought while watching this film.  Here we go…

●    The film has barely started and it already looks awful!
●    Awful!
●    Horrible sound.
●    Horrid filming.
●    Just crap.
●    I got excited for a moment when they crashed, hoping that it would be over…unfortunately I still have about another 50 minutes.
●    *Starts banging head repeatedly on the nearest wall*
●    WTH!?!?!?  Were they trying to make an artsy film?  Because if the intention was artsy then they failed miserably and just landed on annoying as hell…
●    Do these filmmakers actually watch their own films before yelling “It’s in the can!”?!?!?  Seriously!
●    Here’s a tip, watch a good movie, hell any movie, then watch yours.  Repeat this process a few more times.  Notice anything?  Because I sure as hell did…I noticed a lot.
●    *Starts looking for a way out of having to finish this film*.
●    Maybe I can chew my arm off…
●    *Starts chewing arm off*
●    Was there even a script written for this?  Trust me, it’s better to just say there wasn’t than to claim it.
●    Someone please take the camera away from their hands, just take it away.
●    The only semi “eh” (that’s as good as it gets) part of this film was that they attempted to make it artsy.  Granted they failed miserably, but it’s the only nice thing I can say…
●    Was that a BB gun?  Really?!?!?  I’ve heard airsoft guns that sounded more real than that!
●    Oh look!  A wind turbine!  I actually found something I like about this film!  The wind turbine off in the distance…and that lasted all of about two seconds.
●    Oh good goddess, the acting is atrocious!  Please say that everyone was drunk or really high while filming this and that this just isn’t how they normally perform…
●    Please let it end, please let it end, please let it end, please let it end…
●    …
●    Just burn all the copies and we will look the other way and pretend this was never made…

Look, I’m not trying to be a pain.  I get it, films are a lot of work and hard to make (I work on them as well).  Just tossing something together with your buddies, filming it in the most horrid black and white in existence, and having a lot of drugs and alcohol in the scenes doesn’t make it a movie.  At least not a good one.  I am pulling at wisps of string here, but I’ll say this:  The concept may have some potential.  Being artsy in a film is great, but there’s a right way to do it, and a really annoying way (the filmmakers completely missed the first and jumped head first into the shark infested deep waters of the latter).  

Ugh…

My Personal Review:

Rating Scale:  Movie Theatre, Redbox Rental, or Skip It — Skip it

Cheese Factor:  Vegan (no cheese), Taleggio, Limburger, Stinking Bishop — Stinking Bishop