Unscary Monsters – By Brian Morton

Remember those golden days of childhood when something that went bump in the night would set your heart to racing? When just being in the dark was scary? When that shadow on the wall was something lurking just beyond sight, waiting to eat little boys and girls as a midnight snack? Those days never come back, my friends. Trust me, I know, I’ve tried! So I’ve been asking around, finding out what movie monsters scare people, and I’ve been quite surprised because most of these monsters, once taken away from the dark, really aren’t that scary. So I thought it might be nice to take a look a few of them and maybe have a little chuckle over things that scared us, that really weren’t all that scary.

The first ‘monster’ that I never understood is Chucky. Now, when I bring Chucky up to most people, they say that Chucky was scary, but let’s take a closer look. First, and ironically, IT’S A DOLL!!! That’s right, folks, Chucky’s only about a foot tall. Here’s how the original Chucky script might have gone:

Kid – Where’s my doll?

Dad – The damn thing had a knife, so I chucked it into the fire. We’ll get you another one tomorrow.

End of movie! How can you be afraid of a doll? Even with a knife, it’s still small enough to step on. So, people, quit being afraid of Chucky, he’s not scary, he’s just irritating.

The next monster is one that I loved when I was a kid, but as I’ve gotten older, I realized that it’s nothing to be scared of…The Mummy. That’s right, that staple of Saturday afternoon horror movie TV, Boris Karloff as The Mummy. Now, at first the mummy’s a bit scary, I mean he’s been dead for about ten thousand years or something, right? Well, as much as I hate to admit it, if it’s a monster that I can outrun, then it’s no threat to anyone! I’m not what you’d call athletic, except for my remote control thumb, I swear I could pinch bricks in half with that thumb, but running? Only to the bathroom, buddy! I’ve never figured out how that damn Mummy ever caught anyone, I guess that had something to do with camera angles and scripting. But, as much as I’d like to disagree with myself, the Mummy? Not scary.

Now this one is going to stir some of you up a little, so here goes. George Romero’s zombies? Not scary! Again, I could go with the ‘anything I can outrun’ philosophy, but let’s try this. Anything that I can outsmart AND outrun? Not a threat. I know that millions of people love these monsters and Romero’s movies, and I love them too, but let’s face it, unless you’re trapped in a corner with more than five zombies coming at you, anyone could get away from these monsters. So, as sad and unpopular as it’s going to make me…Romero’s zombies? Not that scary.

Why are these monsters not scary? Well, it could be because they’re just not. That may seem simplistic, but let’s face it, for something to be scary it has to be unknown and once most monsters are seen, they lose a ton of their scariness, but some monsters either aren’t scary to start with (Chucky) or just aren’t that scary once you get beyond the surface scare (The Mummy and the zombies), does that make them any less fun? Not really, they’re just not too scary once you get older and, dare I say it…smarter.

Now, I understand that there are probably ten thousand more monsters that aren’t that scary out there, but, let’s be honest, how unpopular do I want to make myself? I mean, come on, I’m already pretty unpopular, and so I’m really just piling onto myself here. But, these things have to be said. So, let’s just leave the list there with those three for now, and agree that we’ll revisit this as my popularity grows…just to keep my ego in check. If you’d like to agree or disagree with any of these ‘un-scary’ monsters or if you’d like to add to the list, drop a line here to Rogue Cinema and we’ll compile them and we’ll all be hated in the horror community together…doesn’t that make you feel warm and fuzzy? And that’s almost as scary as Chucky!!!