Video Game Movie Suggestions for Uwe Boll – By Mark Hite

German director Uwe Boll truly has a knack for making movies that would make a sanitation worker vomit. The question is why is that? The answer is simple, many of his movies are based on a formula bound to fail; video game movies. Boll has been in the news lately regarding his film making and I had a few suggestions for him on games I would like to see turned into movies. In no particular order, allow my humble suggestions to begin.

1.) ET for Atari 2600: Yes I know Spielberg brought us the movie but I want to see a movie based on the video game based on the movie. In the film, we can watch as ET runs around from screen to screen in a pointless endeavor to find Resse’s Pieces. He can fall into deep caves and levitate out using his neck stretching abilities. Occasionally a fellow will show up and kill him or he can run into Elliot. The whole movie can wrap up with ET dying just like in the 99% of times the game was played.

2.) Pong: Marvel in the action as two solid lines battle back in forth in one of the most violent fights in movie history. Fans everywhere will hold on to their edge of their seat wondering when the ball will disappear into the losing side’s goal. No dialog or plot line needed, just pure heart pounding action.

3.) Combat for Atari 2600: Do you like war movies? Well this one will take up where Saving Private Ryan left off. We all can scream in delight as the master of special effects bring ping pong tanks to life. Or if you prefer the invisible tanks, think of the money saver that will be.

4.) Paperboy: I imagine this story being a true life tale of inspiration much like Erin Brockovich but much less sappy. Its about a paperboy who’s only mission in life is to get the paper to his adoring customers. In his trial and tribulations he encounters wheels that roll around for nor reason, careless break dancers and rogue RC cars. It can be billed as the “feel good movie of the summer”.

5.) Dance Dance Revolution: I picture this to be like the movie Fame but a little more high impact. The plot can revolve around a bunch every day kids that jump around on a platform like a bunch of raving lunatics. Think of the money you can make off the soundtrack of repetitive dance songs alone.

6.) Custer’s Revenge: Hey if someone thought that a plot line revolving around General Custer rising from the dead to sexually assault an Indian women was brilliant, why shouldn’t it be made into a movie?

7.) Duck Hunt: Much like Babe and Stuart Little, this can be billed as a classic “man and his animal friend” tale. No strings attached, just a one shot of a dog continuously jumping into a marsh to scare up frightened ducks. Sure you can see this on any outdoor life channel but its not based on the actual video game is it? I smell a cash cow in the making here folks.

8.) Tetris: This can be a true thinking man’s movie. You don’t necessarily have to base it on the actual game. Rather, use the concept of changing one’s shape to fit into different life situations. It can be a wonderful tale with that moral attached.

9.) The Ticket Game: Ok so this may not exactly be based on the an actual video game. Still its based on something found in a lot of arcades and would make a wonderful holiday movie. The plot would revolve around one child’s mission to collect enough tickets from ski-ball to get Christmas gifts for his family. They could call it “A Pair Of Fake Vampire Jaws For Christmas” or perhaps “A Gift To Remember, But Lost Or Forgotten Two Days Later”.

10.) Gauntlet: Revel in the tale of four high school nerds who transform themselves into warriors and wizards. To keep it based on real life, the characters always end up getting beat up by other kids in their high school. Still when its game time, the whole digital world better watch out.

Before I give away more of my wonderful ideas to Boll, I think I better sit on this topic for now. I think I have provided him with a plethora of films that will truly last the ages. Or at least until the sequel for House Of The Dead which basically translates to forever.