What Would Michael Myers Do? – By Nichele Johnston

Everyone knows about that silly little saying “What Would Jesus Do?” And everyone knows someone who can’t make one damn decision without asking that very question. I really want to ask why Jesus would give a flying fig if you decided to buy Cool Ranch Doritos instead of Cheetos, but this really isn’t the time to get into that. I’m here to talk about that infamous unstoppable killing machine–Michael Myers.

Since 1978, Michael Myers has been scaring the dickens out various movie goers in one Halloween film after another (I’ll politely gloss over Halloween III: Season of the Witch). While the films varied wildly from being classics (the original film) to sucking more than a F5 tornado (part 8 anyone?) one thing remains consistent–Michael Myers is a force to be reckoned with. There’s no pussyfooting or stupid wisecracks from this guy, he’s too busy being the Boogeyman and butchering any horny 35-year-old teenager who happens across his path. This is a guy who knows what he wants–to kill and kill and kill and kill a little more–and does everything in his power to achieve that goal. Now maybe I’m going out on a limb here, but wouldn’t it be great if everyone had that kind of determination? Wouldn’t the world be a better place? Of course it would. From now on let your motto be “What would Michael Myers do?”

Example 1: It’s three o’clock in the morning. You have an important report due at 8 am. This report could mean the difference between a promotion and a corner office or wallowing in middle-management oblivion for the rest of your days. Between the coffee and the No-Doz your hands are shaking so bad you’re contemplating typing with a pen clenched between your teeth. You can feel the walls closing in and the promotion slipping away. A life of Ramen noodles and Friends reruns awaits you if you don’t get this damn report done. So ask yourself “What would Michael Myers do?” Michael Myers would take a butcher knife the size of an ironing board, stroll into the boss’ office, hack him to pieces, and hack up any else in the general vicinity, and now there’s no one left to run the place but you! You’re promoted by default and now you’re the boss! Isn’t life grand?

Example 2: The damn sink is clogged again. Clogged up good. No amount Liquid Plumber will get this baby cleared up. You’ve got a sink full of icky water with all sorts of crap floating in it and nothing, but nothing, will get this mess unstuck. You’re going to have to call a professional and spend an ungodly amount money to get the sink back to normal. But before you make that call you’ve got to ask yourself that all important question “What would Michael Myers do?” Mr. Myers would track down the idiot who installed the plumbing to begin with. Yes sir, he would track down that chowderhead, disembowel him, and nail him to the wall, literally. But not before he gets him to unclog the sink, of course. Now if that isn’t a satisfactory conclusion I don’t know what is.

Example 3: Those dimwits at the fast food place screwed up your order again. How hard is it to make a damn cheeseburger with no pickles, huh? This isn’t rocket science ya know!! Geez Louise. You just want to storm in there, wring their spindly little necks like a chicken, rip the manager a new one, and get a cheeseburger made the right way!!! But…wait for it……What would Michael Myers do? He would march in there, nail them all to the wall, and fix a nice cheeseburger with a side of onion rings and a chocolate shake. Yum!

So you see, with a little persistence and a lot of bloodshed, you too can live your life the Michael Myers way. Isn’t it worth it to find the inhuman murderer inside you to get what you want in life? Sure it is. So keep your knife sharpened and your mask mold free and just ask yourself “What would Michael Myers do?”