When Horror Characters Try Their Hand at Literature – By Danny Runion

The popularity and marketing blitzes about Freddy and Jason has struck a nerve with many of the other slasher superstars. Michael Meyers is so sick of the number of people that call him a 2-bit clone of Jason. Pinhead has been asked by far too many fans thinking that he’s a stuntman for Freddy. Those are only just a couple of the more famous examples. Michael, Pinhead, and several others have decided to strike back without starring in more movies like "Freddy Versus Jason". Jason doesn’t quite have the education to compete in the field of literary warfare. While no slasher star has decided to start railing against the dangers of politics, it was quite a shock to realize the depth of literary skills these monsters possess.

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Michael Meyers:

No parent should be without Michael Meyers’ book, "Better Babysitting Through Mass Murder". This book definitely explains how to insure you get a proper babysitter by eliminating all drug and sex crazed potential sitters.


Pinhead has written a few previous books about body jewelry. However, his newest book "Why Should Body Piercing All be on the Exterior?” has revolutionized the idea of stabbing oneself with rusty nails. The chapter about how the liver should be only pierced with brass rings will change the face of body piercing forever.


"Space the Final Frontier for the Magically Endowed Vertically Challenged" is the most popular book about anyone’s space travels from any non-astronaut. He has been thrown out of several book signings after threatening to shove his pot of gold so far up anyone to bruise the spleen of whoever asks when he will write a tour guide book about Ireland.

The Tall Man

The Tall Man has had so much experience with grieving families to finally write his own book: "Stealing the Souls of the Recently Dead and Converting Them Into Evil Midgets to Be Used as Slaves in Other Dimensions". This book is the only thing that anyone who has just suffered the loss of a loved one needs aside from a quad-barreled shotgun.

Dr. Herbert West

People couldn’t believe that Dr. Herbert West, president of the Mad Scientist University, would start writing children’s books. They were proven wrong by the immediate success of the Re-Animated Cat series, including such masterpieces as "The Re-Animated Cat Goes to the Zoo", "The Re-Animated Cat and the 7 Dwarfs" and "The Re-Animated Cat Goes to the Farm".

Ghost Faced Killer

He has been desperately trying to prove that he is a real horror star by trying to mimic far more qualified and talented authors. "At Least, I’m Not the Fisherman Hooked Killer from the I Know What You Did… Series" has to be one the most inane pieces of writing outside of facebook.com.