Who the Hell is Seeing These Movies?!?! – By Brian Morton

 You have to admit, it’s been a great summer for movies. From Iron Man to The Incredible Hulk to Hancock to The Dark Knight, if you’re a geek then it’s been a super summer. But, even if you’re not a geek, there’s Wall-E and Kung Fu Panda if you’re a kid, there’s Get Smart and Harold And Kumar Escape Guantanamo Bay if you’re in to comedy and a plethora of other movies, everything from drama to horror and, for the most part, it’s been pretty good.

But, there are a few movies that have hit theatres that have me totally puzzled. I consider myself to be fairly in touch with reality and with current events, but some of these movies defy logic! It really makes me want to jump out of my seat and yell at the screen, "Who The Hell Is Watching This Crap!?!?!?!", and you can ask my wife, I’ve actually done that on more than one occasion.

So, I thought I’d write an open letter to you, our Rogue Cinema readers, to ask you, are you seeing this junk? Do you know someone who’s seeing this stuff? And, if so, how do you keep from slapping the taste out of their mouth when they tell you they’re seeing it? I really need to know!

First up is Speed Racer, based on a popular anime cartoon from the late 70s, I was unaware (as was everyone else) that anyone was nostalgic for good ol’ Speed. I can honestly say, I never heard one person telling me that they were heading to see this, and, from what I’m told (because I have much better things to waste my personal money on) it was just god-awful! Maybe it was little kids, or maybe there’s some hardcore anime fans that hide in the darkness and only come out when I’m fast asleep, but I really think that no one wanted to see this movie….at all!

What about that Sex and the City movie? For weeks on end, all I saw was promos and interviews and trailers and teasers for this horrid thing! I actually sat down to attempt to watch episodes of this comedy…twice…and have to say, I never laughed once, in fact, the second time, I couldn’t even get through a whole episode. I believe that this is a movie for all the women out there who wish they could afford all that clothing and the lifestyle that is portrayed in the movie. And all the fawning and ass-kissing that went on with those four broads was disgusting! Come on, let’s be honest, Kristin Davis is the hottest chick in the cast, and she’s only hot by comparison to the rest of those women! Kim Cattrall was attractive in 1982 for Porky’s but by the time she donned the vulcan ears in 1991 for Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country she hadn’t hit the wall so much as the wall must have collapsed on her! And don’t get me started on Sarah Jessica Parker, I wasn’t invited to the vote when America decided that she’s attractive, but that particular vote was completely wrong! Not only is she not attractive, but she may be one of the most homely broads I’ve ever seen! So, who the hell is heading to the theatres to see this movie about four marginally attractive chicks who live in New York? And, if you’re one of the broads who dressed up and travelled to see this movie, then you might need to rethink you’re priorities.

 What the hell is up with Eddie Murphy? Didn’t he get the memo that we’re pretty much done with him? Okay, we allowed him a small comeback with Doctor Doolittle and The Nutty Professor, but it’s time to take that money and relax and enjoy life Eddie! Not bring us Meet Dave!!! Exactly what the hell is going on here? Eddie Murphy lands on earth and he’s piloted by a smaller Eddie Murphy in his head? And he does "wacky" things. Oh My God!! I honestly believe that Eddie must have pictures of some movie executives in compromising positions, something really disturbing that would be the only way that something that looks this bad in trailer form would be released in theatres! Eddie, take a memo, sit down, relax, we all loved you in the 80s, but it’s 2008 now, and we’re all set, so you can stay home and enjoy life. And besides, one more movie like The Adventures Of Pluto Nash or Meet Dave and we may have to take you into custody for violating good taste laws! And if you actually paid money to see Meet Dave in a theatre, then please meet me out front, I’ll have the nice men with the butterfly nets waiting with me.

Now, I’m seeing Meryl Streep rolling around on the ground and singing! What I thought was clearly some sort of drug induced nightmare turns out to be a movie! Mamma Mia! I’m sorry, but you’ve got Meryl Streep singing and dancing, you’ve got a clearly emasculated Pierce Brosnan doing the same and it’s all set to the music of ABBA?? Let’s just say that my neighbors came racing to my house to see what the screaming was, only to find me on the floor of the living room holding my eyes, screaming at the horror that had just assailed them! After several hours of quiet time, and someone luckily dropped in the DVD of Texas Chain Saw Massacre, I fortunately returned to normal. My wife actually asked me what I would do if she wanted me to go with her to see Mamma Mia, my response was quick and simple, I’d probably bring along a long rope, because those theatre ceilings are pretty high and I’m going to hang myself…not, ‘think I’ll hang myself’, I’m sure that after seconds of that my life will no longer be worth living, and I’d certainly never be able to look myself in the mirror again. In fact, a co-worker of mine told me that it was fantastic and that he was “dancing in the aisles”, I’m sorry to report that I had to kill him…it was for the best.

What’s the bottom line here? Well, I guess that it this, who the hell is telling Hollywood to make these movies? They’re not entertaining, they’re not interesting and no one is going to see them! Please, guys, quit listening to the gay lobby out there and cut it out, no one is going to head down to see Mamma Mia, nobody was pining for a Sex and the City movie and we’re all still scratching our heads over Eddie Murphy as an alien robot with tiny guys in his head! How about some original movies? There’s plenty of indie guys out there with great ideas who’d love to have a bigger budget, use great actors (that no one has seen ten zillion times) and make movies that people will actually love and who knows, maybe you can find the next Sarah Jessica Parker…only this time, why not pick an attractive chick to play the part?