Why Life Would Be Better if I was a Movie Monster – By Brian Morton

 There are days when it seems like the whole world is against you. You know the kind of day, everyone at work is being a jerk, the people on the road between work and home can’t drive, and then at home things just don’t seem to go right. We’ve all had those days and, brother, I just had me a doozie! It was so bad that I’ve actually begun using the word DOOZIE for God’s sake!

Well, not to get into anything or anyone specific, let’s just say that I found myself sitting on my couch mumbling to myself and thinking about how I could make my life better, and I began thinking, "Guys like Freddy and Jason never have these kinds of days." and so, I started to think about what a day in my life would be like if I was a full fledged, counselor killing, chainsaw wielding, teenager hating movie monster.

First, I would head off to work, my chainsaw and machete in my briefcase, my mask on, ready for my day. On the way to work, traffic is a huge pain, now normal Brian would just sit there and curse helplessly. Maniac Brian, as I have come to think of him, runs morons off the road, then gets out and finishes the job with his handy tire iron, making sure that these particular idiots will not clog traffic any longer.

Now, I get to work, most of the day is normal and uneventful, but, as in any work environment, there’s always one idiot who just can’t help himself, it’s like it’s someone’s job to be the office jerk! He either tries to dump his work on you or the work is does is so screwed up that you end up spending most of your day ‘un-fucking’ the things that he’s done. Normal Brian just avoids this person and buries himself in his own work, which doesn’t tend to be all that satisfactory. Now Maniac Brian handles things differently. When the idiot comes into his office, Maniac Brian first asks the person to pull his head out of his ass and just go back to work, after the standard movie three strike rule, Maniac Brian calls the person over and cuts him neatly in two with his machete. Blood sprays everywhere, paperwork around the office is ruined, many business suits and dresses are also bloodstained and also ruined, but most people aren’t that upset, because the office pain in the ass is now only in need of shredding and I don’t think anyone would mind helping Maniac Brian for two reasons, one, the office idiot is now gone, never to cause anyone’s ass any pain and, two, he just cut one guy in half with a machete, killing another person probably isn’t going to be that big a deal.

After work is done, I generally head back home, one quick stop at the local grocery for some dinner supplies, milk and such and the store is filled with…well, let’s be honest…morons! And if there’s anything that Maniac Brian can’t stand, it’s morons, and, unlike normal Brian, Maniac Brian can do something about them other than the standard bitching and moaning. The first person Maniac Brian runs into is that idiot who has to stop in the middle of the aisle just looking around, like God has just spoken to them and they can’t believe it and they’re frozen in place! We’ve all seen them, hell, most of the time I accidentally run into them because who expects any normal person to just stop dead in their tracks for no apparent reason. And while in the real world, I tend to walk around, Maniac Brian starts by ramming this person from behind with his cart, then while they’re on the ground a small pull on some nearby shelving and…Wha-La…moron dispatched, clean up on aisle two! Over to the frozen foods, there, of course, is the person who holds the doors open looking at everything trying to decide which brand of frozen pizza to buy until every door in the aisle is fogged over, well, Maniac Brian would put that person’s head through the glass door and then snap them in half for easy and permanent storage in the freezer section. Then he’d probably make some snide remark about frozen meats being half off.

Now, Maniac Brian has finished his shopping and the aisle-to-aisle rampage, so, it’s over to the check out lane, and whom does he find himself behind? Yep, that person who doesn’t realize that they actually have to pay and they wait until they hear the total amount that they owe to even start looking for their checkbook! You know him, you’ve been behind that person, and you want them dead too, just admit it! Well, being that this is my fantasy, Maniac Brian begins by feeding this person his checkbook then feeding them into that dumb ass conveyor belt thing right there at the checkout until all that’s left of them is a red stain that will just keep running in an endless loop! And, God help the clerk if he tries to stop Maniac Brian, because that will only make Maniac Brian angrier and after chopping off a few of the cashier’s fingers and locking them into the change drawer, he’d probably say something like, ‘anyone need change for a ten?’ Then laugh to himself, bag his groceries, leave a twenty-dollar bill and then leave the building. I mean, I’d have to pay for my groceries, I’d be a Maniac, not a thief!

One last stop at the gas station and Maniac Brian will be heading home, and do you think that it’s going to be an easy stop? Of course not! First, he has to wait about twenty minutes for the idiot in line ahead of him to pump his gas then go back into the station to pay and then get in his car and spend another ten minutes or so organizing everything in there, before leaving, so already our Maniac anti-hero is not a happy man. Then, while he’s pumping gas the moron waiting in line behind him begins getting impatient and starts honking his horn at Maniac Brian. Now, before you think I’m entering fantasyland here, this actually happened to me, normal Brian! And, while normal Brian merely cursed at the person doing the honking, deep in his psyche, Maniac Brian lurked and Maniac Brian took the gas pump over to the person and shoved it into one of this moron’s head holes and pumped gas until the pump did that automatic shut off thing, then while the gas pump is gushing fuel into the car, Maniac Brian lights a cigar, and throws the lit match casually over his shoulder, making a smart remark about bar-b-ques or not playing with matches, you know, your typical pithy wisecrack! Then, Maniac Brian finishes pumping his gas and heads home, as if nothing happened, because to him, these irritating people are nothing more than ants, there to be squashed if they become an annoyance.

So that’s how a normal day would go if I were allowed to release my ‘inner Maniac’. Sadly, though, I have to keep him under mental lock and key, otherwise I’d have to find a good place to hide from the villagers and their damned torches. But, I like to think, that if there was a possibility, in the real world, that someone was going to crush your skull if you acted like a self-centered jackass in public, that most people would re-think their actions and this might actually be a nicer planet to live on. Or maybe it’s just my twisted fantasy! The decision is yours.