Would You Like a Side Order of Ninjas? – By Danny Runion

 Many people think ninjas are as much of an automatic joke as using the word monkey. The heart of the true ninja still beats and wishes to use the disappearing powder to materialize and implant 500 shurikens to those who ridicule them. Well, times are changing. It is time to celebrate these mysterious martial arts masters for all they have done.

Ninjas, ninjas everywhere, on the ground and in the air…What true child of the 80s didn’t want to be a ninja? I am talking about pre-TMNT before the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles craze. The thought of running around in a black ninja suit and have battles with swords and the ability to transform into frogs should warm all those young at heart or the deranged.

The ninja movies of the 80s taught us such important philosophy. Where else would we learn only a ninja can defeat another ninja? The most memorable ninja movie of the 80s in my fevered mind was Ninja 3: the Domination, the first ninja movie to feature possession and aerobics. The mid 80s saw the birth of the infamous Godfrey Ho ninja movies that were spliced together from several movies and featured a few scenes to try to make it seem somewhat Americanized. These were the movies that played a lot on satellite and filled the video stores. Unfortunately, the late 80s were the domain of the American Ninja and seemed to be the death knell for ninja movies as they somehow became relegated to the domain of the Three Ninjas or Surf Ninjas.

All ninjas needed the colored suit be it black, white, or even gold foil. How can they carry all their weapons and equipment? Some people would offer such suggestions as dimensional vortexes to carry so much without slowing them down. That suggestion has been proven to be ridiculous after learning that all ninjas buy utility belts from WayneTech. The ability to disappear in a cloud of a smoke and the ability to create decoy ninjas are given for all of these death dealing masters. All ninjas are required to have at least one fight in the middle of the day in a very public location like the middle of street or on a tennis court.

Good Ninjas

Any Good Ninja is considered the "best" by his teacher which infuriates the sinister looking student. All good ninjas are retired from the death dealing arts until being pushed back in because the sadistic evil adversary. Even tired of the killing, they are still better at it than their wily evil counterparts. A large number of retired ninjas are white guys such as Chuck Norris, Franco Nero, or Michael Dudikoff. Good Ninjas properly care for their katanas and other ninja weaponry even if it hasn’t been used for years.


Evil Ninjas

Evil Ninjas possess skills that seem magical such as the ability to fly on kites, projectile vomiting, or unite together to form a giant evil ninja which can separate into evil naked ninja chicks. Evil Ninjas love to randomly slaughter groups of people just to hone their skills. Evil Ninjas carry grudges against their far more talented and extremely evilly deficient rivals. A flock of evil ninjas must surround and fight the good ninja one at time. Evil Ninjas must get involved in expanding the drug trade or assassinating someone who’ll bring world peace.