Your Perfect B-Movie Match – By Brian Morton

In this day and age of computer dating, we here at Rogue Cinema decided
that we could also jump on that bandwagon. So, I was assigned the
daunting task of gathering the initial information to start this new
feature. We’re tentatively calling it ‘B Harmony’, but since
that’s awfully close to an existing copyright, we may have to change
it. Keep in mind this is a work in progress, so any accidents or
missteps will have to be taken by anyone who decides to utilize the
service. We here at Rogue Cinema disavow all knowledge of prior
or future criminal activities perpetrated by any of our stable of
eligible bachelors. Alright, now with the legal indemnifications
out of the way, let’s find you that true b movie love you’ve been
looking for!

Let me tell you about our stable of bachelors. Each has their own
special personality so that we can offer you many choices when you’re
looking for your B Movie Soul Mate.

Freddy KrugerIf
you’re quiet mousy type, you might want a guy who’s more outgoing and
witty, may we suggest one Frederick Krueger? He’s a former
maintenance man who’s moved on to bigger things. He has some
scarring from a work related accident, but he’s still full of life and
fun! Freddy is the kind of guy who will take you out for a night
on the town and then, after that big date, stay with you while you
rest. Freddy’s not a fashion plate, in fact, he’s known for
making a special striped sweater his ‘trademark’ apparel. If
you’re looking for an evening of laughs and thrills that will go on
well after you’re asleep, then Freddy might just be for you!

If you’re more of the outgoing party type, you might like a guy who’s
more quiet and reserved. May we suggest young Jason Alexander
Voorhees? A tall strapping man, Jason is the definition of the
strong, silent type, you might go a whole date without hearing him ever
say a word! Jason is a very traditional guy who feels that any
intimate relations should wait until you’re married. He enjoys
the outdoors and can often be found just hanging out in the
woods. Jason’s the kind of guy who you might take home to your
momma, or, more likely, he might take you home to meet his
mother. Jason’s not a momma’s boy, but he is the kind of guy who
thinks that mothers should be treated well. If you’re looking for
someone who’s family oriented, then Jason might be the guy for you.

Looking for a guy who’s more of a
homebody? Could we recommend Mr. Thomas Hewitt, he’s a loving
homebody who enjoys taking care of the house and cooking and
cleaning. He’s the kind of guy who will spend all day in the
kitchen getting dinner ready, but he’ll never tell you his secret
ingredients. Besides cooking, Tom has many interests, though he’s
not much of an outdoorsman, he has been known to hunt for his own
food. And, although he’s definitely single, ladies, Tom lives at
home with his mother and brothers, helping the family by keeping house
and preparing meals for his kindly old mom. Looking for the kind
of guy who will bring home the bacon AND fry it up in the pan?
Then Thomas Hewitt may just be your one of a kind love.

Alan OrmsbyDo
you like the arts? Then you might be interested in our friend,
Alan Q. Ormsby. Alan enjoys the arts and has even directed his
own plays! But don’t get the idea that Alan’s not a guy’s guy, no
sir. Alan has also been known to lead the odd wilderness
adventure and has done his fair share of sea faring. Alan’s not
afraid to wear that daring rode when the event calls for it. He’s
daring and talented, his shows have been known to draw people from near
and far, far beyond. Sadly, Alan lives alone having recently lost
his beloved sister, who also acted in Alan’s troupe, so don’t be
surprised if Alan asks about your talents and even tries to get you on
his stage. If you’re into the flamboyant and outgoing type, then
Alan’s waiting for your call.

Looking for something a little more daring and adventurous? How
about a military man? May we suggest Captain Elliot Spencer,
whose friends and co-workers call, Pinhead? Elliot is a very
outgoing guy who enjoys many and varied activities. He’s the kind
of guy who’s comfortable wearing leather when he’s out and about.
Now, don’t get the idea that Elliot’s one of those loner, leather
weirdoes. No! Elliot has a close group of friends that he
hangs out with regularly. In fact, his group, called the
Cenobites, often invites others to join them for gatherings and other
events that they plan. And, when he’s not hanging out with his
friends, Elliot enjoys games and puzzles, and can be often found
working his ‘game cube’. Looking for the kind of guy who’s both
outgoing and a homebody? Then Elliot ‘Pinhead’ Spencer might be
looking for you too.

Now, while we can’t promise that any of these guys are your own B movie
soul mate, we can promise to keep adding to our line up of singles for
your approval. We’re always on the lookout for single men and
women in b movies who might just be a perfect match for you. And,
in case you think this service can’t work, let me introduce Jerry
Blake. Jerry has been dating with us here at ‘B Harmony’ since
our inception, minutes ago. Jerry is a family man who loves being
a ‘stepfather’ to young children. Now, don’t get the idea that
Terry is an old softy, he’s been known to be a strict disciplinarian
when the occasion calls for it. Terry is currently married to
Susan O’Quinn, but, as this is Terry’s fifteenth marriage, he tends to
keep his profile handy for us. And, in case you think that
Terry’s being marred fifteen times is a ‘red flag’ as to his fidelity,
we’d just say that Terry’s spouses have all met with untimely
accidents. Our condolences to Terry, but our hopes are high for
anyone who’d like to meet him!!

And you men out there, don’t worry, we’re currently looking for those
perfect B movie ladies to match up with you! But, for now,
ladies, why lay on that couch alone watching b movies when with one
email, we here are Rogue Cinema’s ‘B Harmony’ can have that lucky guy
on the way over in just minutes? And remember, locked doors
really aren’t a problem for most of our bachelors. Happy dating!!